HURT YOU? BITE YOU?
I would never-r-r!

PREVIOUS: P-A #2

SITE  P-A BEHAVIOR in Relationships

 

NOTE:  Look for their red flags, using the lists from the posts: ‘Passive-aggressive Comments‘, Symptoms of P-A anger – in us, & the set below

IN relationship with a P-A
Because neurotics (‘Givers’) take on so much responsibility, they prevent P-As (‘Takers) from having to act differently, enabling the dysfunction to continue.
Character disordered people don’t consider changing – if at all – as long no one calls them on their behavior. But for that to happen everyone they deal with would have to recognize them for what they are, & react appropriately in the moment. Otherwise, they just continue to get away with assuming they’re always right.
EXP: Many women, in divorce court, have been humiliated & financially victimized by judges favoring clever & rich pathological spouses!

In the mean time, until pigs fly, anyone dealing with P-As (& other personality disorders) on a regular basis must firmly state reasonable expectations & stand firm on necessary limits. The ball always has to be tossed back into their court. It’s their responsibility to own up to & work on their issues, so the best you can do is make them accountable.

To start with, it’s important to recognize what’s going on so you don’t think you’re crazy. You may already think you are if you grew up with at least one P-A parent, or everyone in the family – denying how hurt & angry they were, but never acknowledging, much less having dealt with it. But it’s not you!
Because of that beginning, we may have picked up the P-A habit ourself, but more often we unconsciously choose work environments & personal relationships with P-As. To change that, notice overall patterns of behavior in the people around you, monitor your emotions & never ignore gut reactions.

EXP: You are likely to feel angry, confused, or powerless – when needing to get their cooperation or trying to be heard. But since you can’t have an honest, direct conversation with a P-A person, nothing ever gets resolved.
AND if you continually, compulsively surround yourself with P-As, review your own Fear of Intimacy, because P-As keep everyone at bay. They function from the False Self, preventing emotionally intimacy – without Recovery.
If we stay around them for too long we’re guaranteed to feel abandoned – because we are.

Some ways P-As express anger in Relationships:
MILD
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
‣ Always late/leaves early. Walks out on people. Bangs doors
▸ Deliberately sloppy
▸ Procrastinates – is deliberately slow &/or puts things off
▸ Refuses to do what is reasonably expected
▸ Refuses to listen. Pretends not to hear or see

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
▸ Acts forgetful. Keeps rehashing the past
▸ Twists the truth. Manipulative
▸ Uncooperative. Withdrawn

MODERATE
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
➣Acts sick or helpless. Refuses to clean oneself or the home
➣ Impulsive – fails to plan ahead. Deliberately makes mistakes
➣ Often absenteeism at work
➣ Refuses to function as a responsible parent or spouse
➣ Works markedly below ability. Refuses to work regularly.

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
➣ Always negative. Withholds support, Distances self.
➣ Deliberately avoids or ignores someone they dislike
➣ Enjoys seeing people become upset. Is divisive
➣ Refuses to be responsible. Overly stubborn
➣ Refuses to praise or compliment
➣ Won’t communicate & gives Silent Treatment

SEVERE
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
❁ Deliberately fails at work. Fails to pay bills.
❁ Fails to attend to the needs of the spouse or children
❁ Neglects the home, Refuses to eat
❁ Refuses to take care of a serious health problems

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
❁ Always in victim role. Avoids intimacy
❁ Deliberately acts to be sick or makes themselves sick
❁ Doesn’t receive love. Withholds love from a spouse
❁ Makes false accusations. Con-artist
❁ Undermines children’s trust/respect for spouse or other important relatives/friends

Dealing with a P-A is always frustrating & sometimes enraging, especially when it’s your spouse. One of the many problems is that they find it much easier to say what they don’t want than what they do .
Inside the P-A is a wounded child who isn’t safe enough to voice how it really feels – from fear of punishment, rejection, sarcasm, engulfment …. Their True Self has retreated, making it hard for the P-A to say what’s bothering them, so they expect others to read their mind! & provide unspoken, even unacknowledged needs.  And if you don’t, you will be punished – no matter how indirectly.
REMEMBER – their tactics are never about us! even tho’ it does have a very great impact on our interactions with them. 

NEXT :  SYMPTOMS – in us