I HAVE A LOT OF WORK
ahead of me!

PREVIOUS: Outgrow co-dep (#6b)

SITE : “How is Forgiveness Possible?“- a philosophical essay, complex & interesting

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome”(cont.)
TOOL 5a & b = FORGIVING OTHERS
TOOL 6a & b = Healing CHILDHOOD T.E.A.s

TOOL 7a = FORGIVING Ourselves – as ADULTS – is to:
1. LET GO of old patterns (As), harsh judgements & pointless comparisons (Ts) (“Letting go means….“), AND to:
2. GIVE UP torturing ourselves for all the ways we’ve messed up (T.E.As)

IN ADULTHOOD
The many ways we have hurt ourself & other people has been the result of our specific personality‘s reactions to a very unhealthy upbringing. To outgrow co-dep it’s crucial to accept that, like everyone else, our dysfunction was a predictable outcome of our childhood experiences. We need to identify our ‘character defects’ in the light of our early training – instead of assuming they represent our basic self.

ACoA 4th Step: “We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them” (Posts: Family Inventory // Their attitudes).
Co-dependent fake-niceness tries to hide our angry disappointment at not being loved & cared for by our family.
So we’re horrified at the suggestion that we might have  turned into a version of them. “NOT ME! I’ll never let myself drink too much, yell at & beat my mate & kids, lay around like a queen bee, be so controlling, be unfair, be poor, throw things, cheat, gamble, lie, pretend everything’s fine when it’s not…

AND YET, maybe only on the inside, we’re just as judgemental about others, hard on ourselves, afraid & insecure, fake, skeptical or naive, afraid of intimacy …. as them. And we don’t want anyone to know, not even ourself.
Yes, our long-term self-defeating behaviors are indeed aspects of our parents, incorporated into & modified by the WIC. But when we accept that, then self-blame can be stopped by self-forgiveness, both for all the things that were out of our control, & all the things we’ve done compulsively (unconsciously) from damage.

We can start with the inventory of our beliefs, fears, resentments, interaction with others…. and this includes all our positive qualities, skills & experience. This is not an easy task. Many of us find it difficult to identify our good qualities because of rotten mirroring, much less our ‘wrongs’, which we’re too proud to admit, or too ashamed.
Use the: ACoA 12 steps, & Laundry List Workbooks

As adults we are responsible for our actions, so now we have the option to make changes that will improve our life. It helps to separate our T.E.A.s. correctly, into:
❇️ moral faults : based on our personal value system, things we feel shame, guilt & remorse about, which need a suitable amount of repair or penalty
✦ weaknesses : things that would make our life better if corrected, but don’t deserve punishment
• normal human activities & feelings which are not wrong or bad & are NOT to be judged at all

It will benefit us most if we identify these 3 groups with a compassionate heart. Then we can decide what to keep & what to work on outgrowing. Our Time-Line Inventory will show recurring patterns.

ACoA Step 5 : “We admitted to our Higher Power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our childhood abandonment.”
Once we have our personal ‘wounded’ list (Step 4), & share it with H.P., a sponsor, therapist &/or wise friend…. we have a blueprint to work from – for ourself & in relation to others in our life.

NOTE that it doesn’t say ‘our defects’, because that label leads ACoAs to think they represent our ‘core badness’. Instead,
Abandonment leads to —> Self-hate, which leads to —-> acting out woundedness, which are expressions of the False Self.

🌈 ACoA Steps 6-9  help to give us courage to face the daunting & terrifying task of this inventory, as we absorb & apply them. READ: Realistic Recovery

NEXT: Self-Forgiveness (#7a)