PREVIOUS : Archetypes, #6

Posts :“Not enough love?“
“Fear is the absence of Love”

AW = Autonomy worshipers,
(in 5/25)
LD = Love Dealers
SC = Security Collectors
PG = Power Grabbers

2. LOVE DEALERS (pg. 159, “MM” by Goldberg & Lewis)

Love is like a Rorschach ink blot test – everyone sees it differently. Famous definitions :  ♥️ Love is heaven  (Sir Wanter Scot) ,  🖤 Love is blind   (Shakespeare), 💚  Love is bitter  (Conrad Aiken).
BEST : 💛  “Love is what we choose” (UK poet laureate John Masefield).

Less romantic but just as important is that many people equate money with love, or as its symbol. Others act as though love is a commodity which can be bought & sold. 

💘 a. RIVERs of $$
In any family, even in less affluent ones – young children regularly observe a parent reaching into a purse or pocket to pay for food or some other necessity. Money may also be available as exchange-for- pleasure, like for a toy or treat. It seems to be an endless magical stream, providing needs & desires, without having to do anything to earn it.

As the child comes to associate money with pleasure, many parents will use it as reward or punishment – a way to control & manipulate the child into obeying family rules & forge desired behavior patterns. No matter how unrealistic genuine affection is in unhealthy families, this leads to a deeper connection in the child’s mind – that money equals love.

In any case, when the parent curbs this money flow – whether because of a cash shortage, or the child’s request is unacceptable, or the timing is not right (“that’s for after school”….),  the child experiences this as a personal rejection, a withdrawal of love!
EXP : if a child is refused a dollar for some candy, they may beg first but when still getting a no, may scream :” You don’t love me anymore!”

How a child realizes that money is a limited supply for them, and the relative value of spending vs saving – will set the tone for their future emotional reactions to money.
Ideally, with genuine love from family – regardless of income -children will learn that giving or withholding money can be a loving act but that love itself cannot be bought or sold.
☁︎ Love Dealers did not have this experience.

💝 b. Love BUYERs (LB)
Most people who are hungry for love truly feel unlovable in any circumstance. Because we cannot eliminate such basic need ! starving people who feel unworthy will try to buy love, unwilling to just ‘be liked”.  They’ll try to buy attention & admiration by trying to be the ‘nice guy/ gal’ to avoid being rejected, but it never fills the  gaping emotional hole.

Some even try to buy God’s love. Making large contributions to religious groups, building funds, missionary projects…. the  hoped win God’s favour & protection.

◆ Underlying issue – Because LB never experiences being loved enough to avoid their deep feeling of worthlessness & rejection, LB are not able to love others – using money as a substitute.

Underneath – they’re filled with resentment but afraid to own it, expressing it instead as passive-aggressiveness. They may feel guilty for ‘letting’ others love them, so – to even the score they people-please & act generous.

◆ Payoff – Having enough money may put off the LB feelings of anxiety & depression – instead of dealing with underlying causes (PMES abandonment & self-hate.)
By over-doing & over-paying (big tippers….) they expect the recipient of their largesse to provide undying loyalty & devotion !
LB who spread money around are seldom alone – there’s always someone who will do anything for them – except love them.

◆ Cost – No one can buy love, so LB get what they pay for – a substitute, but will settle for fake-caring. Grabbing anything that glitters on the surface yet has no substance – leaves them constantly ‘hungry’.  This desperation for acceptance & affection make them vulnerable to manipulation & scams.
And if they feel someone they ‘need’ is pulling away – they’ll throw more money at them.

LB can alienate family & friends – being too quick to pay for things & over-doing with expensive gifts. It leaves healthier people feeling like they’re being bought or constantly indebted – even thought this is not what the LB intends.

NEXT : Love Dealers, #2