PREVIOUS : Dealing with Liars

SITE : “Fight, flight, freeze, and fibbing: Lying as a trauma-based behavior”

 

Loosely based on wikiHow

1. DECIDING to Stop
Being consistently dishonest may not seem to cause harm, but it’s often used to manipulate other people’s behavior & their attitude toward the liar. Exposed to a liar over time slowly whittles away at the victim’s free will & their right to make choices based on truth.

a. Figure out why you lie. Is it a way:
✴︎ to protect yourself from being abused (socially, verbally, physically….) ? A child may have few or no other ways to find some safety – a neighbor, teacher, best friend…… AND as an adult – if you’re in a truly dangerous situation, keep looking for a safe way to escape, so you won’t need lies to cope.

✴︎ to have some control over situations? When you can see an obvious way to get what you want by telling a lie, telling the truth is tough.  You may believe dishonesty is the only way to make other people do what you want, since you haven’t developed internal permission to get your needs met directly.

✴︎ to make yourself look better?  If you’re low on self-esteem, it seems like a shortcut to boosting your status at work, in your social circle, even with loved ones – until you’re caught! People with healthy self-regard (not arrogance like narcissists) don’t need or want to lie, unless in an emergency.

✴︎ to comfort yourself ? Telling the truth can be very hard. In specific situations it can causes you awkwardness or anxiety (making a difficult statement, asking for a need….). And it can make others uncomfortable – if it’s something they don’t want to hear. Lying to others, and even more to yourself, prevents from having to face painful emotions & situations

b. Determine why you want to stop
If you don’t have strong enough reasons for quitting, it’s a lot harder to give up lying about yourself or to others. Consider seriously what effect it’s had on your sense of self & on your relationships. Sticking to this defensive pattern undermines your ability to develop self confidence & self worth. A deep part of yourself knows you’re not living from integrity, even though you may think you’re protecting yourself

Some reasons to work on changing:
• TO experience yourself as a valuable person. Lying cuts you off from reality when you camouflage large parts of yourself by projecting a fake image to the world

• TO express real emotions & opinion, so your True Self can be seen & valued. Being able to feel good about yourself is the main reason to stop lying. You may find it’s a relief to show the best parts of yourself that have always been there. This means slowly shedding the False Self developed in a toxic family environment, which need lies to keep it propped up.

• TO connect with others . Under everything – we want to connect with others, to not feel isolated & alone. Lying gets in the way of that deep need. Positive relationships are based on compatibility – and the ability to express our native personality to each other. With the right people, the more each one reveals, the closer we get.

• TO gain back people’s trust. Naturally, this refers to your relationship with people who have known you a long time & know your tendency to distort information, so they know they can’t rely on whatever you say – even when you’re telling the truth.

Having caught you in lies, they’ll protect themself from frustration & disappointment by keeping you at arm’s length or ending their connection. If that matters to you, you’ll need to start being honest – a little at a time – & continue until they can depend on your word. This may take years, so don’t be surprised & don’t give up.

c. Make a commitment to stop
Treat lying as you would any other addiction, making a serious commitment to change. It requires a lot of hard work & self-awareness, so❣️set the worthwhile intention every morning – as you start your day that “I will stop to think, & then tell one less lie today than I want to perpetrate”.
Follow thru & see how that feels. Over the weeks, make it 2 less a day, then 3 …..

NEXT : How to STOP LYING (#2)