PREVIOUS : Ambivalent Style

SITE : The Love Compass  (Junk Sex/ Junk Relationships….)

QUOTE : “If a person loves only one other person & is indifferent to all others, his love is not love but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egotism.” — psychoanalyst Erich Fromm, author of “The Art of Loving“(1956)

To show love and be loved are the best feeling ever. But, for some searching for love can be quite daunting & worse for people who’ve been in traumatic relationships. We have always wanted our romantic relationships to be perfect & trouble-free, but that is never the case.

To meet each other’s needs starts with both people being able & willing to be responsible for their own part, dropping a long-held superficial personas (social masks), letting themself be vulnerable with each another. They both have to be all-in, or nothing improves. “The power of Vulnerability“

1. SECURE Attachment means:
“I’m okay with letting myself be transparent in my relationships, & I consistently use effective communication, including ways to solve conflicts when they surface.”

♥️ Successful couples tell each other what they need, & are specific. EXP: “I know it’s uncomfortable for you to be affectionate in front of my friends, but at home I really need a hug every day.”
Displays of love don’t have to be 50-50, as long as both people show something. “Each partner will need to make some slight movements in the opposite direction from which they are most comfortable”
«

Dating
They don’t play games with you to gauge a potential mate their level of interest – no lies, tricks, or drama. They don’t pretend to be someone they’re not in order to win someone, nor play it hard to get. With Secures things are always clear — they don’t expect others to read their minds. If they’re interested, they’ll say so. If they don’t, they’ll do the same. There will be no mosting, stashing, benching, or any other kind of manipulative tactic.

Partner Selection
Cross-cultural studies suggest that mothers everywhere considered childhood Secure attachment the most desirable pattern. Adults looking for long-term relationships consider potential partners as most attractive who have ‘responsive caregiving qualities’ such as warmth, attentiveness & sensitivity. However, not all adults are paired with such partners. Research suggests that people end up in relationships with someone who confirm their existing beliefs about love relationships.
«

 

«
Romantic relationships are a component of the “attachment behavioral & motivational systems“, that form caregiving & sexuality.
It’s the emotional bond that develops partly as the result of how well it copies the same set of interactions the partners had with their parents – between infant & earliest caregiver – which becomes the relationship between adult love-partners. The mother-child connection & what lovers share have the same features. THEY :  ↗️

Attachment SEX
Sex educator Emily Nagoski delves into attachment theory & its impact on sexuality in Come As You Are, She writes that “Secure attachers have more frequent sex, better communication about it, higher levels of arousal & orgasm, & more positive emotions during sex.”

Sexual activity releases oxytocin, which increases trust & a feeling of security. And outside the bedroom – when we feel that our partner will show up to be with us, accept us & have our back, the easier it is to be comfortable in the relationship. Security & safety are reinforced in a positive cycle when considering sex as part of a healthy attachment.
In her “Love Sense” book, Dr. Johnson identifies the more Secure style as “synchrony sex.” It’s where love & connection are combined heartily with sexual interaction – the couple feels safe to say what they need, safe to ask for what they want, & safe to enjoy just being sexual with each other without the need for constant reassurance.
It’s fulfilling, where novelty is not needed nor demanded in order to feel satisfied, because it’s not about acrobatic positions. Even so, having the safety & security of knowing the partner is accessible, responsive & engaged, the freer we are to play & enjoy the experience.
«

«
NEXT : Attachment & Relationships #2