PREVIOUS : Anxious-PREOCCUPIED (#1) 

When triggered, AS a Preoccupied  –
you’re always obsessed with how to keep or re-establish closeness with your partner. The pain of anxiety only goes away when they’re with you.
YOU:
♦︎ are so mentally focused on your mate that you have trouble concentrating on other things
♦︎ only remember your partner’s good qualities, ignoring all the ways they hurt you
♦︎ put them on a pedestal, under-estimating your talents & abilities, while over-estimating theirs
YOU
♦︎ believe this is your only chance for love, thinking :
⚆ “I’m compatible with so few people – what are the chances I’ll find another person who’ll want me ? “
⚆ “It takes years to meet someone new.  If I let go of this one I’ll end up alone.”

♦︎ believe that – even though you’re persistently unhappy, you’d better not break up, because :
 ⚆ I know “They can change.”
⚆ “If they leave me, they’ll the a great person—for someone else.
⚆ “All couples have problems, so it’s to be expected & I just have to live with it”

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Anxious-PREOCCUPIEDs & SEX
The bond we develop with our main caregiver in childhood may condition our sexual desire,  & then how we’ve learned to relate to each other influences how we behave sexually.
Interesting : Findings in a study of 100 Saudi couples suggested that people with lower avoidant scores (anxious-preoccupied) had higher sexual desire, and those women reported higher sexual satisfaction when their partner’s level of sexual desire was higher than their own. (culturally based?)

Red flag : when sex becomes necessary to fix emotional issues –  our old abandonment trauma. Sexual behavior of Preoccupieds is driven by trying to make up for the a deep lack of love & security – rather than from a place of empowerment.
They use sex  :  = for approval, closeness & reassurance
= to temporarily soothe loneliness & to feel ‘wanted’
= as manipulation, to make the partner available, get their attention & be taken care of (as replacement mother)
= to fill an inner emptiness because of missing the True Self.

Preoccupieds have porous boundaries, so sex is more oriented towards the needs & desires of the partner, rather than their own. Avoiding their own preferences can result in lower free-flowing passion but increased desire, as sex is less about pleasure & intimacy, & more about forcing contact.

Because their focus is on ‘the other’ – and choosing other unhealthy attachment styles – Preoccupies feel under-appreciated & misunderstood by their lovers, or generally unsatisfied with the way they’re treated.
This comes from the fantasy/ illusion that the partner should :
🔎 already know what the anxious one needs without having to be asked for it – the same way an infant needs to be provided for before they can talk!
🖇️ reciprocate-in-kind all the affection, attention & love which the anxious one showers on them (in gratitude?) – a tit-for-tat game rather than given from generosity

When a Preoccupied’s hopes/ expectations / demands are not met, their rejection-terror can show up as obsession & being emotionally labile (rapid, exaggerated changes in mood). Even the most minor unavailability from the partner can cause extreme jealousy, distrust & displays of anger.

For ex-partners – when your relationship ends with an anxious person, it often leaves bitterness & resentment in them. So it’s not likely you can ‘just be friends’ after you’ve been sexually involved with them.
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Sexual Addiction
DEF : compulsive behaviors such as constantly looking for new sexual partners & frequent sexual activity, use of pornography & compulsive masturbation.
Cognitive & emotional symptoms include obsessive thoughts of sex, feeling guilty about excessive sexual behavior, & desire to escape from or suppress unpleasant emotions…..

One study-results indicated that people with a high rate of sexual compulsivity are looking for sexual activity without emotional involvement. They’re more likely to have an Avoidant or Anxious attachment style, with trouble forming Secure attachments as adults.

Another study chose gender-balanced sample (53 men, 51 women) who responded to measures of sex addiction, adverse childhood experience, adult attachment, narcissism, self-compassion, and motivation.
Anxious attachment types showed a strong connection between adverse childhood experiences and/OR narcissism and sex addiction. Being Self-compassionate did not correlate.

Note: despite having many lovers, anxious individuals are more likely to use condoms during sex, perhaps because of being more careful & fearful in general..

IMAGE ↗️ re. PARTNERS of Sex Addicts 
Partners often experience Complex Betrayal Trauma  from being in a long-term relationship with someone who is sexually addicted. The Complex is made of up three overwhelming, traumatic experiences all meeting together in a perfect storm, which intersect with & overlap.
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NEXT : Anxious-Avoidant #1