THERE ARE SOLUTIONS
to many disagreements 

PREVIOUS: Being Right #5b

 

REVIEW
When there is a difference in taste, opinions, needs, goals…. between you & another person (or group) – it doesn’t automatically mean either you or they are wrong. Each one feels their version of events is correct, & for each person it may be. YOU do not have to give up yours – just to keep the peace.

But ACoAs tend to hang out at the extremes – of everything – including disputes:
↘️ either thinking others are always right & we never are, discounting our own point of view altogether (co-dependence), OR
↗️ that our way of thinking & feeling is the only right one, discounting everyone else’s altogether (narcissism)

In the previous set of posts we’re reminded to acknowledge & accept that everyone has their own angle on life & it’s never exactly like ours. So at the very least – we should consider what others have to say, seeing if they have a point – with can include something good we’ve never thought of! Then evaluate it in light of our experiences & personal preferences, & maybe agree with it – or not.

But, when you do express who you genuinely are & what you need or want —
— AND a someone important to you gives you a hard time, strongly objects, attacks OR tries to change you, tries to prevent you from pursuing or reaching a goal….
— you’re  likely to feel appropriate anger. But deeper than that will be sadness, frustration & loneliness.

UNHEALTHY
However, unless we’ve done a lot of our own FoO work to develop our True identity, then when we have an intense disagreement with someone where they’re angry at us (we’re hurt & angry too) – as ACoAs we will buy whatever they’re selling – outright – especially if they’re using narcissistic ‘logic’ to prove their point,

♻️ We’re left with the painful obsession about what just happened, which can go on for hours or days. We’re torn between outrage, fear & S-H. Was I right? or were they right? Should I apologize? What if it’s my fault? I can’t stand having someone angry at me…..

This kind of mental self-torture comes from not being clear about who we are (True Self) & fear of separation (abandonment), but most of all not knowing that we’re being abused & that we didn’t cause any of it !
If we stick around such people, without a strong UNIT  (adult & good parent), our WIC is intimated & continually re-traumatized. If we engage, we’ll alternate between dragged-out verbal fights & folding in childish helplessness. (Excellent Article : “Gaslighting & Spite“).

Dealing with unhealed people is always very frustrating & painful. Even more so if you do have a modicum of mental health:
🔸If you have the courage to object TO:
— any form of emotional abuse, lying about where they were
— something not done that should have been, because of  P=A
— insult her appearance, forgot to buy an essential staple – again,
— didn’t pick up the kids,  didn’t ____as promised)…..
🔹……AND the problem-person refuses to admit any responsibility or even a valid explanation for their behavior, but always makes it your problem, putting all the blame on you…… (See post: “P-A comments“)
🔶 you’ll be very angry, but mostly aware of being powerless to get your needs met from such a person —>EVER!

OUR unhealed REACTIONS – WE:
• hold in hurt & frustration, letting it pile up, then explode. ACoAs are afraid of conflict, but blowing up makes us feel worse than if we dealt with an issue while it’s still relatively small

• blow up a small hurt or slight way out of proportion, then react to that. Many times “Message received was not Message sent”. ACoAs hear some things thru the lens of early family insults or school bullying, so a casual remark now can feel like a major attack

• are defensive (over-explaining, denying, lying….), instead of considering the possible validity of the other person’s objection or point of view about us. ACoAs hate being caught in an imperfection, error or mess-up

• refuse to even discuss a dispute, even if it’s presented in a reasonable way. Negative reason: feeling shame, guilt or arrogance (“not me!”)
Positive: knowing that no matter what you say, you’re not going to be heard, they’re going to get nasty, or you’ll always be made wrong.

NEXT: Dealing with disputes #2