PREVIOUS : What is Self-Control ? (#2)

SITE: HAPPINESS IS SIMPLE: Why too many choices make life miserable & ways to improve your life!

QUOTE: “A tongue has no bones but is strong enough to break a heart. Be careful with your words.”~ Anon

1. OBJECTIVE Control
Whatever is measurable, & psychologically or practically achievable – given the person’s age, genetics, native abilities & leaned skills.
However, the perception of control (whether accurate or not) influences people’s behaviors and emotions more strongly than actual control.

a. INTERNAL Locus of Control – what we believe causes the outcome of situations : Outcomes are within our control, determined by our attributes, decisions & hard work.  Believing in the ability to control outcomes is required in order to be successful in life, as long as it’s based in reality.
❣️ Overall, such people are happier & more successful. They come from families who emphasize effort, education, responsibility & thinking, AND where parents are warm, supportive, encouraging, who give their children the rewards they promised & are consistent in self-discipline. (Quiz at MindTools)

Psychologists generally attribute one of the following broad causes / reasons for being able to achieve goals or accept rewards :
– Internal Stable : self-determined by the person’s own ability & personal mastery “It’s due to me”   (MORE…. re. ‘Locus of Control’)
– Internal Unstable : rewards are based on how much effort were put out, & for how long
• ‘Internals’ know they generally have control in life, & specific control over areas such as health, intellectual functioning, memory & relationships.
They tend to be highly motivated to achieve, are not very outer-directed, & believe they’re able to successfully take actions that are required to reach their goals

2. PERCEIVED Control : the person’s belief about the likelihood of positive or negative outcomes in various situations. (‘generalized expectancy), based on the degree of internal control they have.  Regarding external support – it’s our evaluation of the effectiveness of rewards or benefits provided by our environment.

This is based on who’s sitting at the internal ‘control panel’ of our life, which has a great impact on our physical & mental health.
The value of our efforts will depend on —
• Contingency: deciding if a particular outcome is controllable or not
• Competence: thinking that we’re capable of creating a desired outcome OR if we can avoid / suppress an undesirable result or not

b. EXTERNAL Locus of Control
Belief : Outcomes are outside our control, determined by ‘fate’, independent of our decisions & hard work (belief of most ACoAs). Western culture is so focused on DO-ing – that we think of any topic only in those terms

‘Externals” beliefs about reaching a goal or receive rewards:
– External Stable : comes from objective task characteristics & the level of difficulty, OR outcome created by powerful others “It’s due to them”
– External Unstable: based on chance, fate, karma “It’s just luck”

Such people tend to be more stressed & prone to clinical depression. FoO sources : Social limitations increase their expectation of being out-of-control. More often these people are from a lower socio-economic level, may come from a single parent family headed by a woman, a parent is an active addict, &/or who themselves ‘externals’

REVIEW : Many unhealed people have the Illusion of Control, assuming power over people, places & things – which they do not actually have. This attitude is a type of fantasy & narcissistic grandiosity, used as a band-aid to cover S-H & powerlessness. It drives symbiotic, co-dependent ACoAs to believe they can do the impossible (EXP : stop someone from ____), a way to avoid working on their own damage!

At the other extreme – ACoAs who Delay Gratification by Over-self-control :
Researcher David C. Funder observed that people who keep putting off getting a reward for their efforts (like many ACoAs) are not actually better at self-control. For them it’s more about self-deprivation, being compulsively ‘disciplined’, deny having choices, & unable to be flexible! (More …..) 
➼ Ironically, this way of functioning is definitely a loss of control – ie. NO choice! AND it’s obeying the Toxic Rule:  “You have to struggle but never get there”!

✶ With Recovery, ACoAs come to understand, accept & implement our Internal locus – #1a. While no one has 100% control – over everything – contrary to some Teachings, AA’s Step 1 reminds us: “We admitted we were powerless over____”.  To believe otherwise is arrogance!
See 3 Cs’ of Al-Anon and the Serenity Prayer.

NEXT: What is S-C #4