PREVIOUS : Resentment – What & Why (Part 1)

POSTs :
☁︎”ACoAs & BLAME”
💔 “Parents Blaming us”
🤯  ACAs wanting Revenge

SIGNS
Stages  — While there are no official stages of resentment in psychology, painful feelings naturally can progress from mild to severe. What starts as a real or perceived injustice builds up inside until it turns into anger, hatred, & even a need for revenge.

In the beginning, resentment is mainly about hurt.  You start to build a defense against the pain. Hurt turns into anger, because being angry makes you feel more empowered & in control. Unless you address them, unhappy feelings build & become harder to change or let go of.

√ Passive-Aggression (P,A.) – This is one of the most telling signs of resentment. It can show up as responding with short, clipped answers – when someone asks a question,  or leaving sarcastic notes instead of having a conversation about your upset.  Passive-aggressive behavior comes from an ongoing experience of being unheard, marginalized or ignored, and being afraid to express those frustrations directly. Over time, subtle gabs or double-edged compliments can erode relationships, leaving everyone confused & frustrated.
NOTE : Remember that the underlying emotion is anger which you’re afraid to express or even of admitting to yourself.

√  A variation of P.A. is Chronic Forgetfulness or Procrastination – “accidentally” not doing what someone asked of you (which you originally agreed to ), or consistently delaying tasks related to a specific person or situation.
For many ACAs, this is an ongoing way of life, because it’s a copy of a  family pattern, reinforced by Self-Hate & Fear of Abandonment.  However – this style of communication may not show up in all areas of your life, but rather be confined to a definite “People/Place/Things”  situation that causes you anxiety (with a parent, lover,  adult-child, boss….).
In either case it’s not accidental.  Rather than a memory issue it’s a way of expressing resentment without confronting the source directly. While it may feel safer than an outright conflict, it can crease your lack of connection, with isolation & loneliness.

√ Co-dependence Symptoms – when you consistently :
♦︎ allow an imbalance in the give-and-take
♦︎ have your needs go unmet—but unspoken
♦︎ hold yourself to an unsustainable standard
♦︎ say yes when you want to say no
Whether out of guilt, fear, or habit, overriding your boundaries or letting them  get trampled –  leads to frustration & inner conflict. Over time, this erodes your sense of self-identity & safety in the world.

√ Fear & Avoidance
BEING Resentful makes us armor up. Why would you ever surround yourself again with the same kind of people or situations that hurt you originally?
Reaction : But if you have to deal with people or places that remind you of past mistreatment, old feelings of anger & bitterness can get triggered & seem overwhelming.  If your self-esteem tends to be low, you may feel inadequate, even invisible – even if that’s not how you’re actually being treated this time.

EXP : If you’ve been ghosted by a previous partner, you might resent them & anyone else who reminds you of them or how they acted. Your anxiety can get triggered —> about being betrayed &/or their lack of commitment.

Reaction : Withdrawal or Stonewalling . You may find yourself retreating emotionally & physically— avoiding certain people, skipping conversations, shutting down when conflicts show up…. some of the signs that resentment has taken root. Withdrawal can feel like self-protection, but nsteadi leaves issues unresolved, creating an emotional backlog that’s hard to clear.

One way people cope with the fear-of-being-hurt-again is to turn inward, making yourself smaller, avoiding dates & other social gatherings you’d normally be interested in.  On the surface, this resentment-reaction may seem like having power & control over loss & painful experiences. But internally, it can cause real, long-lasting damage to your mental health.

Dr. Albers : “This pattern extends beyond relationships, affecting other parts of our life, like self-worth, personal goals, & career. Resentment sabotages our appropriate expectations of everyone & therefore a willingness to engage with them. Then we go into situations feeling angry & hopeless that things will be better – before they even begin.”

NEXT : Resentment – Signs (Part 2b)