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BOOK : “17 Exercises to Foster Self-Acceptance & Compassion”
S-R INFO
Shanker’s Self-Reg® 5-point strategy helps us understand & respond to ourself & others, across all 5 interrelated domains :
🍃 Reframe the ‘difficult’ behavior / event
🍃 Recognize the specific stressor (across any domain)
🍃 Reduce the stress whenever & as much as possible
🍃 Reflect : increase stress-awareness, so you won’t be surprised each time a similar situation shows up – be prepared or avoid it before it happens again
🍃 Restore : develop personalized strategies to promote resilience & healing
Regularly using these strategies can replace impulsive, self-defeating behaviors with mindful, beneficial activities. Notice that the first 3 are immediate & happen “in the now”. The last 2 are ongoing & in a constant state of refinement. However, even though listed in order, any of them can be used at any time – as needed.
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NOTE : This chart was originally compiled to benefit students. However, it can be a useful guide for any ACA who is stuck in childhood stress mode – to make gradual shifts by staying awake for their pattern of self-torture or dissociation.
Remember that everyone has a limbic system, & is affected by daily stress to varying degrees. How we respond depends on our S-R strength at the moment, & what our individual triggers are with a particular person or when in a group.
IMPULSE CONTROL
A major task of S-R is being able to separate our immediate impulses from long-term desires. We can plan, evaluate our behavior, & prevent ourself from taking any action which is self-defeating, socially inappropriate or harmful to others. Violating our deepest values creates guilt, undermining self-esteem & emotional well-being.
The cognitive bias known as illusion of control identifies a person over-estimating their own ability to manage / have an effect on events. It’s often triggered by an early history of chaos, uncertainty & abuse.
Sayette (2004) describes S-R failures in two categories:
1. Under-regulation – when a person fails to control oneself
▷ Trouble managing one’s emotions (lack of self-soothing, correct negative thinking), which can lead to problems in relationships, work, school. EXP : When feeling depressed, anxious, rageful….
2. Mis-regulation – having some control, (weak self-efficacy) but not able to reach a desired goal
▷ Using flawed strategies, like negative self-talk, avoidance / procrastination, & addictive behaviors.
Improve Self-Regulation
✴︎ Live in alignment with your values & acting with integrity. Be a good role model, practice what you preach, create safe, comfortable environments for yourself
✴︎ Believe in yourself: boost self-efficacy by working on self-confidence. Focus on the experiences in your life when you did succeeded, & keep your mistakes in perspective. Choose to believe in your own abilities & surround yourself with positive, supportive people who know your best qualities
✴︎ Identify your triggers: cultivating a sense of self-awareness which will help you learn what your strengths & weaknesses are, and what can trigger you into a troubled mental & emotional state
✴︎ Reframe negative thoughts : practice taking a step back from all your thoughts & emotions. Evaluate & disagree with the harsh ones, & come up with positive alternative beliefs & present-day reality options
✴︎ Keep calm under pressure: removing yourself from the stressful situation for the short-term — mentally or physically— & use relaxation techniques like deep breathing, exercise, prayer
✴︎ Consider the consequences: stop to think about the results of giving in to some “bad” behavior (remember what happened in the past, what’s likely to happen now & what this behavior could trigger in terms of longer-term consequences)
✴︎ Seek feedback : It can be hard to look at yourself objectively all the time. Asking for feedback from trusted colleagues or friends can be very helpful on your journey of awareness & self-regulation
✴︎ Stay open to change : use your inner strength to deal with life-shifts – in direct, positive ways, improving your ability to adapt to different situations while staying hopeful & creative
✴︎ Practice self-discipline: commit to taking initiative & being persistent, as you work toward your goals, even when it’s the last thing you feel like doing!
NEXT : S-Reg – MYTHS
HEAL & GROW for ACoAs 