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REVIEW : INSECURE Attachment Styles
1.  People with an Anxious/ Preoccupied (A-Ps) attachment style  (19% self-identified)  ARE:
❥ extreme desperate for nearness, connection & merging with the loved one
❥ constantly, intensely worried about how they’re ‘seen’ by others
❥ very needy & clingy, have trouble being independent
❥ obsessed with the inevitability of being abandoned
❥ without PMES boundaries & not respecting their partner’s Bs

a. One double bind : On the one hand they have a very deep belief that no one will ever really be available nor interested in a long-term commitment – with  them.
At the same time they keep looking for the ideal soul-mate, getting attached way too soon, thinking they’re in love – at first sight. But since no-one lives up to their fantasy ideal, they’re constantly disappointed, so no current partner can ever be their ‘true love’.

The best the unrecovered A-Preoccupied person can do is to use sex as a manipulation, to :
⎈ pull the mate into some form of connection they don’t feel the rest of the time
⎈ feel nurtured, the ‘ultimate’ bond of merging bodies
⎈ get reassurance they’re attractive & desirable, although no amount of sex will convince them they really are

b. Another double bind – without self-definition & self-esteem, A-Ps are desperate to be loved & wanted, but only focus on the needs & desires or demands of the partner, while ignoring what truly suits themself, denying their own emotions, longings & dreams. They assume that all their caring & self-sacrifice will be reciprocated, but this rarely happens.

TO manage anxiety, they live in fantasy as a substitute of emotional intimacy. Constant worry about their partner’s feelings & the state of the relationship diminishes sexual enjoyment.
The dubious up-side of people-pleasing is that they’re too likely to accept or overlook the partner’s faults, often to their detriment. Over time, one result is that A-Ps end up feeling under-appreciated, misunderstood, & generally unsatisfied with the way they are being loved.

Because of an intense fear of rejection, they can easily be emotionally labile (rapid, often exaggerated mood changes). Even the most minor or unrealistic sign of unavailability from the partner will lead to distrust & extreme jealousy with anger outburst, which can spill over into their sex life.

Yet in spite of their negative attitude about being desirable in general & sexual activity in particular, A-Ps have more sexual partners (compared to the other styles), & tend to be unfaithful.  They blame themself for never being satisfied, & keep looking for that magical fix.

Ironically, partners of Anxious-Preoccupied lovers can be thrilled by the constant flow of attention & affection, whose eagerness to please can make them passionate & attentive participants.
However, they can also be emotionally dramatic, overwhelming the other person with neediness, which puts them off. The message is “We have to share everything & do everything together, or I’ll die”

Their hidden motivation for having sex is to manage attachment anxiety, looking for symbiosis to stave off the threat of being alone. And when A-Ps are sexually dissatisfied or in pain, they may :
⌲ constantly complaint but not work on alternates or solutions
⌲ talk about it exhaustively, over-analyzing the issues, & blaming their partner
⌲ bring up the problems as indirect, passive-aggression comments
⌲ downplay the problem’s importance, OR
⌲ never mentioning any of it, suffering in silence.

Unhealed Anxious-Preoccupieds create constant instability in a relationship. But having frequent &/or passionate sex may be used as a way to compensate for emotional disconnection. Sex becomes a test of relationship-strength rather than an expression of mutual love & enjoyment.

SUGGESTIONS to a Secure mate of an A-P
🔅Always be in a safe space, & be sure your partner is ready & willing
🔅 If your partner initiate sex, ask if that’s what they actually want, or just need to be cuddled, & stroked
🔅Tell them they’re beautiful / handsome, desirable….

🔅 Encourage them to stay aware of what triggers anxious thoughts – before, during & after sex
🔅Take time to bring them to orgasm. A-Ps don’t expect you to meet their sexual needs, so flip their expectation.
When getting acquainted, before sex ask what they like, what makes them feel good….
Once you know each other, always gently check in – no one feels the same (physically or emotionally) every day.

NEXT : Attachment & Sexuality – Avoidant