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CHARACTERISTICS (cont)

♥️ “SECURES” – Socially THEY

= expect to be loved, trusting that support will be available. They form attachment-bonds more readily, are more successful at making friends & picking appropriate partners with longer & happier marriages

= have appropriate independent & dependent responses & inter- actions in relationships, neither desperately seeking nor avoiding connections

= are comfortable with closeness. Want the person they care about to be integrated into their life, with an exchange of family & friends on both sides – if possible
THEY
= love unconditionally & empathize completely. When the partner becomes part of their inner circle, they’re treated with love & respect (like “royalty”)

= freely & clearly communicate feelings to their partner. If they say something insensitive or harsh when under stress, they own it & apologize as soon as possible

= know their taste & will be clear – showing interest if interested, or decline to continue if not

= they tell their partner what they want, AND freely offer what they have to give, once a relationship is stable
THEY
= can speak freely about feelings & old experiences (memories), clearly explaining how they feel now or felt in the past 

= value their partner understanding who they are & accepting how they became that way 

= are confident in their positive beliefs about themself & others, therefore secure in their ability to bringing value to the relationship

= are appropriately concerned for their partner’s well-being, responsive to others’ needs – expecting others to be that way in
return

= enjoy sex, tending to view sex & emotional intimacy as one, not   needing to create distance by separating the two. They don’t misuse sex as an addiction to suppress emotions

= prefer sexual activity in a committed romantic relationship. Enjoy touching to express closeness, & positive sexual experimentingSECURES – DO NOT:
= have the fears & preoccupations (obsessions) of the other types
= numb out their emotional pain.
= afraid to ask for the truth, even when that truth might hurt. It’s the power of vulnerability

= play psychological games – withhold or manipulate to get what they want – because they want closeness & believe others want the same
DO NOT:
= get overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (like Anxious) nor fear of engulfment (like Avoidants), so don’t struggle with envy or jealousy

= try to keep others from knowing them, nor live a compartmentalized life where others are not welcome in some settings (family, work, relaxation….)

= put up barriers or constantly talk of “boundaries” as a way to distance themself emotionally. “Secure” don’t mean ‘cool’
DO NOT:
= pile up secret stores of resentments their SO (significant other) will never be told about directly

= hold grudges—someone who is honestly angry at you for a good reason communicates their distress in a healthy way

NOTE : If the secure adults had an unhappy upbringing, they now understand the effect those painful experiences have had on them. They’ve also given up the ROLE of victim, having worked through enough of the trauma to speak about it without crashing

re. being with or being a secure partner – one great thing is that they have the power to lift up someone with an anxious or avoidant style to develop personal satisfaction & smoother inter-relating

♥️ How did some people become “Secures”?
= some children not born with a naturally secure disposition, achieve it by the attention of responsive but not overbearing parents within a relatively happy, stable family

BUT, with a less-than-ideal early life , some —
= seem to be naturally resilient, & will find enough other nurturing role-models to overcome bad parenting

 = yet others grow into an adult Secure – out of an unsafe beginning – through therapy, along with Secure friends & a stable significant relationship with a Secure partner  (More….)

TEENS : those who can talk coherently & thoughtfully about their experiences with their parents —
= are better able to handle conflicts with both parents
= are more assertive, but also able to ‘hear’ their parents’ point of view
= less likely to act out dysfunctional, critical anger
= make an easier transition to college
= have fewer one-night stands, with more positive emotions during sexual activity

NEXT : Parent-Child, Part 1