PREVIOUS: Our Saboteurs, Intro #2
SITE : “We are our own worst critic”
– our Master Saboteur, reinforced by one or more “Accomplice Saboteurs”
⛓️ Description
The voice that finds fault with everything, all the time.
⚙︎ Self : makes us badger ourself for past mistakes or current shortcomings
⚙︎ Others : focuses on what’s wrong with other people rather than looking for & appreciating the good ones. Gets into inferior/ superior comparisons
⚙︎ Circumstances : insists every situation or outcome is deliberately against ourself & therefore ‘bad’, rather than seeing it as an opportunity to learn something new, be creative, & therefore be a benefit.
⛓️ Beliefs
⚙︎ I’m wrong OR ⚙︎ You’re wrong . AND —
⚙︎ All circumstances or outcomes in my life are wrong (against me?).
⚙︎ The universe is against me so I always have to be on guard.
⛓️ Emotions
Produces ALL anger, disappointment, guilt, regret, resentments, shame….
⛓️ Justification Lies
Without me —
— pushing you, you’ll get lazy & useless
— punishing you for mistakes, you won’t learn anything & will keep repeating them
— scaring you about bad future outcomes, you won’t work hard to prevent them
— judging others, you’ll lose your objectivity & won’t protect your self-interest
— making your feel bad about unsuccessful outcomes, you won’t do anything to change them.
Because its bias is towards always seeing the worst, it makes us over /under react to & exaggerate The Negative in everything, even when there is none.
We end up mentally & emotionally numb, which reduces our ability to quickly notice real but unanticipated dangers to our physical & emotional survival / wellbeing, so we’re shocked & don’t protect ourself. (“brain’s Negativity Bias“)
⛓️ Impact on Self & Others
🪄 It has the strongest influence if we grew up in constant fear, chaos, danger & neglect.
🪄 Generates much of our anxiety, distress & suffering, causing many of our relationship conflicts.
⚙️ ACoAs posts
Being RIGHT (9 posts) , ACoAs Acting Controlling – Part 3, Control & Abandonment
⛓️ Description – this voice focuses on the positive & comfortable to the extreme, ignoring anything considered unpleasant or difficult.
YOU :
⚙︎ lose yourself in comforting routines & habits, procrastinate taking actions that make you anxious
⚙︎ avoid conflicts, so often end up says YES to things you don’t want to do
⚙︎ downplay the importance of real problems, trying to deflect others from challenging you
⚙︎ resist dealing honestly with other people by being passive-aggressive rather than direct, because you have trouble saying NO
⛓️ Thoughts 
⚙︎ “This is just too much. I’d rather not
⚙︎ Maybe if I let it go it’ll take care of itself
⚙︎ If I deal with this now, I’ll hurt their feelings
⚙︎ If I have conflict with others, I might lose my connection to them
⚙︎ I’ve found a balance & don’t want to mess with it
⚙︎ I’d rather let someone else have their way than create a scene….”
⛓️ Emotions
⚙︎ Want to always be “on an even keel”, anxious anytime about your “peace of mind” is interrupted
⚙︎ Have anxiety about what you’ve avoided or procrastinated on
⚙︎ Suppress anger rather than express it, but feel resentment instead (mental version)
⛓️ Justification Lies
✑ “I’m such a good person for sparing others people’s feelings
✑ It’s best to be flexible (people-pleasing, rescuing)
✑ No good comes out of conflict, so someone needs to be the peacemaker (me!)”
⛓️Original Survival Function
‘The Avoider’ can start from either happy or hard childhoods.
⚙︎ In happy ones, you might not have learned the skills & resiliency to deal with difficult events & painful emotions
⚙︎ In hard ones – with high conflict & tension – the Avoider can show up as peacemaker, by swallowing your own anger & anxiety to not add to existing family tensions.
⛓️ Impact on Self & Others
🪄Whatever is avoided just quietly festers
🪄Denying conflicts & hard feelings that are real – prevents you from actually working them thru
🪄Being numbed out prevents you from developing wisdom & power from the gaining self-esteem & resilience
🪄Relationships are kept superficial, because other people’s ability to trust you is reduced, since they can’t be sure when you’re holding back things that upset you.
⚙️ ACoAs posts
“Fear of Responsibility” // “Procrastination” // “Being Trustworthy“
NEXT: Saboteurs, Typs 2, 3
HEAL & GROW for ACoAs 