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BOOK : “Big Liars – What Psychological Science Tells Us About Lying and How You Can Avoid Being Duped

🚫 HOW to MANAGE being around them

🔸 Consider the Source
When hearing facts that don’t add up, our first instinct may be to assume someone is lying to hurt us, & so approach them with that attitude. Before reacting, stop to consider who this person is to you, & base your response on that.  Are they a close friend who is typically supportive & appreciates all your good points?  or a colleague who is jealous, & constantly puts you down?….

🔸 Look Inward
It may be hard, but it’s worth asking yourself what’s your reaction to hearing the actual (brutal?) truth from someone? If you get hurt, offended or angry every time, you should expect people to start omitting details or even lying to you.

Would you rather be lied to, like getting an insincere complement on a new blouse, or more seriously – a buddy agreeing with your idea of going for an unrealistic goal, even knowing it wouldn’t work ? Be honest with yourself about your expectations of others, & see if you may be holding them to an unfair standard.

🔸 Document the Evidence
If someone is gaslighting you – making you feel crazy for questioning things – it’s very important to document the evidence,  journaling your experiences, not just your opinions. Some people who lie are very clever at demolishing your sense of reality, so keeping a record is an excellent way to stay grounded in “I know what I know”.

🔸 Have Realistic Expectations
The reality is that some people will continue to lie. Accept what you know – identifying what you can & can’t count on them for. That will save you a lot of future heartache.
IF you must stay in contact, based on their role in your life (parent, addicted adult-child, boss ….), decide to relate to them only superficially, & never rely on them for the truth.

🔸 Think Before Confronting
When you want to talk to someone you know has been lying to you, first identify the main points you’ll want to get across. Next, practice saying them out loud – alone or with a neutral person. When emotions are intense, it’s easy to lose focus & get sidetracked – especially by the liar. Rehearsing ahead of time will help to stay anchored when the time comes.

🔸 Express Boundaries 
Knowing your boundaries – in any situation – is important for self-esteem & self-empowerment, but especially in any relationship that’s been fractured by dishonesty.
Boundaries are not about telling someone what they should or should not do. It’s about setting limits on what you will tolerate & stating what you do find acceptable. Make the consequences very clear about what you will or won’t do if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, & be ready to enforce it.

🔸 Give them a Chance to Rebuild Your Trust
IMP: This does not apply to compulsive, narcissistic, pathological liars!
Being lied to can trigger a grief process, which you won’t get over quickly. If the other person admits to their harmful behavior (is accountable) & understands how/ why they hurt you, that’s a good sign. If not, the relationship won’t grow. Sometimes the only realistic, self-caring option is to distance yourself. Either way, take your time to heal.

🔸 Practice Kindness
Consider – what you heard may not be what was said or meant. It could have been a misunderstanding. If you decide to confront someone about a lie, start out with a willingness to give them a chance to explain. Share how you found out about the lie & ask for their take on it. Accusing someone of something big requires big evidence.

🔸 Stay Levelheaded
When planning a conversation about someone lying – even if it’s an important lie, try to stay in charge of your feelings & behavior.  You don’t want to turn into someone you don’t respect. Your emotions of anger, frustration, disappointment…. are valid.  You have a right to an outlet for them – so express them appropriately, rather than in a way you’ll regret.

🔸 Take Time for Recovery
From white lies to big omissions, lying covers a broad range of untruths, & so are our reactions. You may feel annoyed, scared, shocked…..  Stop to experience your emotions, write about them & maybe share what happened with a trusted confidant – so they don’t come out sideways later on.

For a big lie, like an affair, you’ll need lots of time to collect yourself & recover. When your reality has been shaken, do things you enjoy as a great way to soothe your wounded heart, & use grounding exercises like deep breathing ,  polyvagal exercises…. to calm your nervous system.

🔸 Therapy
A therapist can be a great short-term tool or an ongoing resource. You don’t have to wait until things become unmanageable or as a last resort. Therapy can be situation-specific & end when the issue feels resolved.

If lying has created a wedge between you & your partner, a neutral person in couples therapy can help to process painful emotions, examine each person’s beliefs, underlying needs & expectations, as well as explore where you want the relationship to go from here..

Modified from EVERYDAY💚HEALTH article by Hilary I. Lebow

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