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SITE : “….When Your Mate is LYING ALL the TIME”

 

 

Signs of a Lying Mate
Your mate may think they’re hiding the truth from you, but if you pay closer attention to both their words & non-verbal language, you’ll admit you’ve been seeing signs from early on in the relationship – maybe even on the first date!

WHY it’s Hard to be Sure a Mate or Partner is Lying
In spite of the assumption that the most reliable cues of lying are nonverbal, research suggests that when it comes to the truth of another’s story, the most accurate cues are verbal, which included how plausible the story was.

1. Crossing the Line. It’s uncomfortable & seems impolite to accuse someone of lying. Our sense of family training & social etiquette often keeps us from being correctly suspicious. And without being able to cross-examine the potential liar, it makes the lies much harder to notice & acknowledge to ourself

2. Differences in Motivation.  A lying mate may have a deep need to successfully deceive you. Unless there are blatant reasons for you to be suspicion, you may not be very motivated to test the truth of your mate’s ‘stories’. You may say to yourself – “I’m just not sure”.

3. Differences in Skill. Lying successfully is a skill that can be developed over time. Your mate may be a much better liar than you are a being a human lie-detector. In fact, there’s good evidence that even people who are specifically trained to catch the signals don’t get that much better at it. Good liars tend to have the upper hand.

4. Trusting Bias. Research clearly shows that we trust others too much. Even in studies where people are told that they will hear 50% lies and 50% truths, they choose to believe well over half as “truthful.” (70- 90%). Naturally, this trusting bias is even stronger toward people we love. In everyday interactions with those close to us, we bend over backwards to give them the benefit of the doubt.

6. You Fear the Consequences. Many times in relationships, we don’t want to test our mate’s honesty because there can be severe consequences. It may drive a wedge between the 2 of you, with a threat of emotional abandonment or divorce.  They may become very angry & in some cases violent….. So, for many people, not knowing the truth may be more bearable than the alternative. (from : R. E> Riggio, PhD)
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IMPACT of a Lying Partner
A lying mate hurts the entire family system. Some effects include loss of intimacy, increased conflicts, & divorce. Once an ugly truth comes out it leaves the spouse & children feeling confused, rejected, angry, sad, scared, even foolish. Previous trust in the lying mate is damaged, & depending how big the lie is – it dramatically changes the family’s relationships with each other, & can be very hard to recover from.

HOW to RESPOND
If you’re talking with your mate & become aware that they’re lying, it’s best to address it right away. How much you say & how you say it – is ultimately up to you, but there are some things it’s best to always do, regardless of the situation :

❥ Immediately.  As soon as you think or know your mate is lying, speak up. Always listen to your body & mind – you have intelligence & experience. Let them know what they did or said that triggered your gut reaction.

❥ Be assertive – but not aggressive, if possible.  If you suspect your mate may be lying, state your concern about wanting to be able to trust them. Clearly identifying the honesty you need & expect in your relationship. Set healthy boundaries for what is & is not acceptable, being prepared to leave if your mate consistently violates them.

❥ Check their understanding. Do not assume your mate fully understands your objections to their lying. Be sure they understand what you mean you by asking them to repeat back or paraphrase your point. Encourage them to ask clarifying questions, to prevent any misunderstandings.

💔  Leaving a Lying Spouse
A mate lying is a major violation against you & the union. With lots of patience & perseverance (couples therapy, 12-step Program, church) – the emotional damage may be repaired & trust restored.
However, if you’ve been hurt too much & for too long, or your mate doesn’t have what it takes to change, it may be time to walk away.
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