PREVIOUS : Dismissive-Avoidant Style, #1

SITE :

 

Dismissive-Avoiders (D-As)  compensate for fear-of-abandonment by a completed mental reframe that says: “I am good, I don’t need others & they’re not really important to me. I’m fine as I am”

A distancing trick Dismissive used to keep true intimacy at bay – is telling ‘the story’ of a long time ago when they let that special one get away.Or it may have been the relationship that ended when the partner left early in their romantic life, or maybe one that was long-distance.

The memory of this idealized previous partner is used as a weapon when the Dismissive tires – as they quickly do – of a real relationship & its demands, since no one could measure up to the “their first love”.
NOTE: This is similar to the mother who pines for the ‘beloved baby who died very early – comparing current children unfavorably to that ‘perfect’ one.

D-As do have need for emotional attachment, but it’s buried deep in the unconsciously. It will only show itself indirectly, as the person becomes skilled at using various forms of control to get others to be there for them
EXP:  They find & use people who are obvious needy over-givers who provide without having to be asked, like codependent rescuers.

They use the shield of self-sufficiency & false self-esteem which serves to suppressed unacceptable feelings, while playing down the effect of those early hurts or embracing them as responsible for building their character. (“They made me who I am today. I’m not like those people at work who have to hold someone’s hand before making a decision.”)

Studies indicated that Dismissives “were most likely to be workaholics, & most inclined to allow work to interfere with a social life. Some said they worked too hard to have time to ‘bother’ getting together, & some that they preferred to work alone.
Because of their ability to focus on work & function well on their own, dismissives can be phenomenal explorers & ‘lone’ contributors. In fields where performance is not based on group efforts, & a lack of concern for others’ feelings can actually be beneficial, the Dismissive can be a star player (some types of litigation, or some scientific fields…).