PREVIOUS: Over-controlling ourselves #2

SITEs:  What Freud got Right
— and Criticism of his theories 

▪︎ “8 Styles of Controlling Parents”, & while on that site, click on ‘Statistics’!

REVIEW: Toxic Family Roles post

AS ADULTS (cont)
FREUD theorized that successful socialization is a process by which children learn to immediately suppress gratifying their impulses, in order to do what’s “best” for them & for society. After all, you can’t have your cake (later) – & eat it too (now)!
The superego is the part of personality holding all our internalized moral standards & ideals, acquired from both parents & society – our sense of right and wrong.

The id is the only part present from birth, containing everything that’s inherited. Entirely unconscious, it includes instinctive & primitive behaviors, & the source of all psychic energy, making it the foundation of personality.
It’s driven by the Pleasure Principal, always pushing for immediate gratification of all desires, wants & needs, which creates much internal tension & anxiety whenever they’re  not immediately satisfied.

BEING Over-Controlled comes from the punitive Superego, telling us to be afraid of all those yucky ‘id’ desires, as well as legitimate needs.
This PP voice (persecutor/pig parent) was programmed by our family to eliminate all unacceptable (even normal human) parts which they suppressed in themselves, so couldn’t bear to see in us, as a reminder of their deprivation

✶ Unfortunately for ACoAs – that suppression went too far. Not only were our child-ish impulses considered evil, but our very Core Self was supposed to be obliterated.
— So, the more some of us conformed to this harmful requirement the more acceptable we seemed to be – on the surface – maybe even getting a little less abuse

— But those of us who actually tried to express our True Self (labeled by family as back-talking, ‘difficult’, disobedient, rebellious, stubborn…) were crushed, leaving us perhaps even more scarred & crippled than the compliant kids

Without Recovery, we don’t have an ‘off’ switch for obsessive thinking or compulsive behaviors. What’s needed is the Loving Inner Parent to sooth, & a Healthy Adult to guide (the UNIT), otherwise we use the only tools we have for ‘self-control’ – being self-abusive!

As a result, we can be both controlling and controlled, depending on who we’re with & what kind of stress we’re under. This poisons all our interactions as long as we’re run by the WIC, who is filled with fear (FoA) & false beliefs (CDs) coming from the Negative Introject (PP).

PSYCHOLOGICAL Extremes
Under-Controlling Ourself
• These are the angry, controlling, dramatic, impulsive, over-doing, Risk-addicted …. ACoAs
The original Laundry List says “We became addicted to excitement” from being exposed as kids to endless chaos, danger & unpredictability. Now we think ‘drama’ & anxiety are normal, constantly recreating it in our life to keep the adrenalin going.

• We can be over-indulgent, over-spenders, hoarders & debtors – so that on the surface it looks like we’re giving ourselves whatever we want.
Actually, it’s the WIC spending time & resources on love-buying to fill the empty-hole-in-our-soul with people, places & things that can never satisfy
OR
Over-controlling Ourself
• These are complaining, depressed, fearful, invisible, isolating, passive-aggressive, sullen, victims…. reacting to the early abuse & neglect by being Risk-Averse, sometimes to the point of barely functioning at all

▪︎ While we may seem OK from the outside, most of us are ‘anorectic’ about self-care (even the high-functioning ACoAs) depriving ourself of many legitimate human needs.
Depending on our personal style, we don’t allow ourself enough (if any) : accomplishments, comfort, compliments, food, kindness, love, money, relaxation, respect, self-awareness, sex, support, touch …..We assume these rights only apply to others.

🎯 That’s one reason it takes so long, even in Recovery, to relax & be at peace – emotional extreme pulls are the only states that feel ‘normal’.  When things are too calm & sane we feel bored. Fortunately, the addictive Hi – Lo swings fade as we heal, just as always hiding out from the world gradually becomes less satisfying than making positive connections.

NEXT: Over-controlling #4