PREVIOUS: They did the best…. #2

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

 

Part 1. General info, Denial
Part 2. Denial – Problem & Reality

3. AWARENESS INVENTORIES
Staying in denial keeps us stuck.  Accurate information is the beginning of change, because we need to stop pretending everything was “not so bad”. If we can be totally honest with ourselves, YOU CAN :

a. Make a list of all the ways they hurt your feelings, disappointed you, let you down, made life harder for you, said mean things, were disrespectful, demanded too much of you, didn’t help you learn … past & present (“5 Harmful Mothers”)
EXP: One lady said that when she told her aunt about her recent marriage, the aunt said: “Oh yeah, your mother mentioned it. She wondered how you got such a nice guy!”  GRRRR

b. If possible, talk to anyone (safe) who knew your family when you were young, & ask their honest feedback about that they saw & heard.  If not, then ask anyone who has dealt with them more recently
EXP: Another woman, in denial about how neglectful her mother had been, was talking to her oldest friend about those early years. Her friend said “Oh yeah, don’t you remember all the times she just left you alone to go out with her boyfriends?  I even told you then it wasn’t ok!”

c. Make a detailed inventory of all your adult mates, lovers, bosses, friends….. identifying what they all have in common, to see what you’re attracted to (how much are they like your family?) That will tell us your pattern of reproducing your upbringing
EXP: A young woman grew up a nice middle class family who were socially active, well dressed, not highly educated but practical & intelligent, generally admired & well liked.
On the surface all looked great, but behind the scenes, much psychological, spiritual & emotionally damage was being done – which was not acknowledged or dealt with. After all, they were “doing the best they could”!  (Hint: Both parents were unrecovered ACoAs)
THEN:
When the girl finally got out on her own, she ‘went wild’ & fell in with angry, disappointing friends, worked at inappropriate jobs & dated alcoholics. Most people treated her much worse than her parents had, so she must be crazy. Right? Only on the surface. Actually, she unconsciously found situations which expressed the inner reality of her home life – bringing to light the hidden abuse.

For expl: She realized that….
✓ …. her secret goal in life was to be dead! She remembered the first time she wished she were – at age 10.  At 13 she told her parents & they just shook their head. In her 20s she acted that out with dangerous men who had the potential to kill her, since she’d never do it herself

✓At 16 she found a high school Psych Class list of psychotic / schizophrenic characteristics, thinking it identified her (NOT), & was brushed aside by her father

✓ She believed her greatest ‘character defect’ was her need for love. After all, if she never felt loved & definitely didn’t deserve it – why was she still chasing it? What a fool!

✓ She hated herself for being ‘so dramatic‘ & intense. Her mother often claimed she herself was perfect, & was glad she wasn’t sensitive like her kids. SO, one way to be acceptable & ‘good’ was to not FEEL, which this young woman couldn’t do, being artistic & emotional.
✶ With therapy & Program she was eventually able to undo much of the damage & claim her natural self.

4. RECOVERY
• You may still think they did the best they could – but it wasn’t good enough to prevent seriously wounding you & your siblings
• The sad, enraging truth is that our family carelessly dumped their damage on us, & now we’re stuck having to clean up their mess. Unfair!! screams the WIC
• The important question is whether of not we’re willing to do the hard work of healing. There’s much to rage & mourn about.
For most of us, Recovery is long & stressful, but do-able, and WE are WORTH IT, even if our family didn’t think so.

NEXT: “Negative Benefits….” #1