PREVIOUS : Love Dealers, #1

SITE :  “Stealing Love – a desperate search for Connection”

AW = Autonomy worshipers, (in 5/25)
LB = Love Dealers
SC = Security Collectors
PG = Power Grabbers

2. LOVE DEALERS  (cont) = (pg. 159, “MM” by Goldberg & Lewis)

a. Rivers of Money // b.  Love Buyer

c.  Love SELLER
Def : A transactional relationship where actions are motivated by getting something in return – rather from genuine affection or emotional connection.

◆ Underlying issue : starts in early life, comes from a symbiotic relationship with one or both parents who are ‘love buyers’.They use lots of money to bribe the child to be compliant, sweet & considerate to the parents

◆ Payoff  : based on “supply & demand”, as long as love is in short supply, love-sellers will be in great demand. This is taken advantage by a wide variety of businesses, from brothels to travel agents, sales persons, show business, even some therapists & clergy.

◆ Cost : love relationships are suppose to be trade mostly in equal amounts & give freely, not a purchase.  L-sellers don’t offer love they don[t have to give, so as long as they’re only dealing with L-buyers, their only benefit is money. They’re not likely to get respect, consideration, or emotional connection. However, some L-sellers have the illusion that they’re loved for themself, not just for their money. EXP : They can end up love starved, & some will commit suicide (as in famous actors).  OR – ‘doting’ parents who over-give ‘things’ will find themself being ignored, resented, or put in a home by the L-buying children.

In this category : L-sellers can be overt, such as prostitutes OR more often are covert,  promising attribute of love such as affection, sex, devotion, endearments…. but can’t come thru in the long run. Eventually, what the L-buyer thought was freely given ends up costing a high price – loneliness, stress related illness, physical & emotional abuse….

d. L0ve STEALER
DEF: a romantic relationship that is considered secret or forbidden, who are already in a committed attachment with others.
OR  : to cause another person to fall in live with them (as in a narcissist’s love bombing). Implies that the love was pursued or taken is without the knowledge or consent of those affected.
OR – a situation where love is unrequited, denied or forcibly taken away from one or both parties involved.

◆ Underlying issue : they’re just as hungry for love & affection, but don’t feel they deserve it.

◆ Payoff : They try to eliminate the risk of rejection, without giving anything back. They seem to be generous (using other’s time, money, energy….) so are admired & respected, who rarely suspect their dishonesty.
By pretending to have a surplus of ‘love’ (co-dependent, rescuing, over-giving….) , they can deny their need & want for it from anyone. Avoiding situations that may lead to their great fear of rejection, love cannot be withheld from them.

◆ Cost : L-stealers pay a heavy price for the illusion of emotional safety. Being a withholder – the love they do need is unavailable. Others are never allowed to get too close, so they’re always in “love-starvation” mode.
EXP: resentful employees who feel “unloved”may become passive aggressive, waste time, or steal money from the company.
Eventually L-stealers get caught, since any relationship must necessarily be superficial & tenuous. People involved with L-Stealers are short-changed, the love they offer being demeaned & unvalued, rather than treasured.

In this category – Some people feel the need to steal love = from lack of money, for the thrill / & challenge, for revenge, from jealousy….. L-stealers try to gather attention by the contributions or work of others. They take what they do not own or haven’t earned – in exchange for affections they pretend not to need. EXP : taking credit for someone else’s work or generosity

The SANTA Syndrome
“Overly-generous” adults are actually controlling, wanting power & domination, in disguise.
Whereas ‘normal’ parents provide money because they love them, parents of potential Love Dealers give money instead of love, who are rigid & emotionally inhibited.
The child comes to confuse money with love, as if those were interchangeable.  Good behavior & perfect compliance is sometimes rewarded with signs of affection, sometimes with money, & are equated with loving the parents rather than being loved.
This leads to a deficiency of love, children who never feel accepted /wanted -unconditionally.

NEXT : MM =