PREVIOUS :  Attachment & ANIMALS, #1

Animal Assisted Therapy (ATT) : “To provide long-term individual & group healing for trauma survivors, along with cognitive behavior, empowerment & exposure therapies.”

For thousands of years humans have benefited from the unconditional love & loyalty of domesticated animals.
☆ATT was a treatment tool in ancient Greece. They were the first to use animals (horses) to “lift the spirits of the severely ill.”
☆ In the 1600s physicians also used horses to improve the physical & mental health of their patients.

☆ In the 1940s the American Red Cross worked with veterans staying on a farm who were suffering from injury or illness, taking care of the animals to further their recovery, by focusing on something other than the traumas of war.
☆ In the 1700’s the York Retreat also used farm animals (rabbits, chickens….) to “enhance the humanity of the emotionally ill” (More EXP….)

☆ Current studies have continued to investigate the relationship of human emotional attachment to pets, which are beneficial at any age. In a 2023 Healthy Minds Monthly Poll from the American Psychiatric Association (APA) with 2,200 adults, a majority (86%) of pet owners said their animals have a mostly positive impact on their mental health.
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Cat owners were more likely than dog owners to say their pets offer companionship (69%), provide a calming presence (66%). & help reduce stress & anxiety (69%).
Dog owners were twice as likely to say their pet encouraged them to be physically active.

When all were asked how much they worried about various stressors related to pets, owners were most worried about their animal’s health (66%), aging or passing away (71%),  as well as arrangements while traveling (56%) & medical expenses (58%). About 11% were mourning** a deceased pet.

** Mourning : If a person experiences too much separation-pain when their companion animal dies, they can become so lost & depressed that they may not be able to function in daily life, becoming a mental health threat. Maladaptive Cognitive-Emotion Regulation Strategies (CERS) that stifle healing include self-blame, criticizing others, rumination & catastrophizing.

However, one large study found that more secure people who lost a beloved pet do recover from this pain after 6 months, even with feelings of anger, guilt & longing. In fact, the stronger the attachment, the greater the growth, so adapting adaptive CERS attitudes (acceptance of death, broadening perspectives & positive re-evaluation) increases post-trauma healing & returns meaning to their life. (“Coping with Losing a Pet”)

HEALING : Doctors at the APA commented that “Americans clearly recognize that a relationship with our pets can have noticeable benefits for our overall mental health.” Another survey reported that 97% of family doctors believe there are benefits from owning pets, & 69% said they had recommended it to patients.

One reason people bond emotionally to their pets is that the attachment serves as a compensatory strategy for anyone deprived of secure relationships in childhood. Children are often credited with instigating pet acquisition, & in many countries, households with children are more likely to have companion animals than those without.
A study with a sample of 160 children who had experienced abuse, neglect or traumatic loss showed they were 4x more likely to have more of a secure attachment to a pet than to their human caregivers.reason people are

EXP : Children with an insecure-avoidant or disorganized attachment style who love with  social stress benefit more from the presence of a therapy-dog or therapy-pony ➡️ than just from the presence of a friendly human.

Adults who experienced early trauma & neglect often have a stronger emotional attachment to pets than to their parents /family, the animals felt to be more reliable & less threatening. The same has been reported by female college students with self-reported childhood neglect – having a stronger attachment to a pet than their more secure peer.

Animal HOARDING
It has been defined as a pathological human behavior that involves a compulsive need to obtain & control animals, coupled with a failure to provide minimal standards of care for animals AND denial of the consequences of that failure. 

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It is associated with certain personality traits such as perfectionism, indecision, procrastination, low-level self-control & poor problem solving skills.
It may be a symptom of a mental illness, disorders such as delusional, major depressive, obsessive-compulsive, generalized or social anxiety .
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NEXT : Attachment & Animals- #2b

PREVIOUS : Sex & EDs

⬅️ “Average pet owner” ARTIST : Opinion Cartoonist.    sarafang@umich.edu.

PET LOVERS
Many Americans & other people around the world would find it hard to imagine a life without pets. And although the numbers & types vary across countries & cultures, dogs & cats are definitely the most popular. In the USA alone = DOGS – about 90 million, CATs – 94 million.

The question of whether animals can become attachment figures for their owners has been raised in multiple studies addressing different categories of age, from children to senior owners. Literature indicates that animals are often a source of emotional support or loyal companions, while the loss of a pet causes grief reactions similar to the pain of losing a loved person

Human attachment to pets is helped by our :
— parenting behavior (caretaking skills & willingness)
— a general level of empathy toward animals  (empathy = the ability to perceive, identify & share in another being’s emotional state)
— matching owner & pet personality & needs

Several pet characteristics are a strong reason for our attachment bond to them, such as —> direct physical contact with our body, their responsiveness, involvement & affection. Even picturing a pet can function as a source of comfort & support for the owner, alleviating some distress.
Ironically, pet-keeping is considered a paradox in terms of the costs of caring for animals vs. the fitness-related benefits to humans such as for survival & reproduction.

Human attachment style is related to our mental health, with a secure attachment providing the best version. Interestingly, studies are clear that humans with an Insecure style form a particularly strong emotional bond with companion animals, considered part of a mental health burden** in :
— Anxiety / dependence = a greater fear of being rejected & unloved, OR
— Avoidance = lower comfort with depending on or trusting in others
** burden — having pronounced symptoms of mental disorders & distress

Extensive studies indicate that pet preference, as well as attachment style, seem to partly be influenced by the amount of  “theory of mind”** people attribute to animals – & more to dogs than cats.

** theory of mind  = Mentalizing, Mind-reading.  Having a functional theory of mind is considered crucial for success in everyday social interactions. IT IS :
— the capacity to mentally represent thoughts, beliefs, & desires, regardless of circumstances 
— the ability to explain, predict & interpret behavior by attributing beliefs, desires, intentions, & emotions to oneself and to other people, AND that those may be different from one’s own 
— is used when analyzing, judging, & inferring others‘ behaviors.

REVIEW
Bowlby’s (1982) defined attachment as a lasting psychological connectedness between two living beings, and that —
— the function of the attachment figure is that of a “safe haven” – to reduce distress & increase emotional comfort & balance, &
—  the role of the attachment figure is that of a “secure base” – to foster personal development, exploration, risk taking for growth, & goal achievement 

Attachments characteristics:
1. proximity-seeking in times of perceived distress, to cope & self-regulate
2. the availability & responsiveness of partners, with beneficial effects on our emotional state, self-image, behavior in close relationships
3. the temporary or permanent lack of availability, as well as the loss of the attachment figure which generates intense distress.

1. Attachment security is an internalized mental picture of attachment figures as responsive, available in hard times, fostered resilience  & good mental health, high-quality relationships, proper emotional self-regulation, & social adjustment in adolescence & adulthood.

2. Attachment insecurity comes from a history of family abuse, neglect & rejection, resulting in vulnerability to mental / emotional disorders. It’s expressed as a lack of trust in the availability & constancy of relationships. Often, such people feel safer with animals than with their insecurely attached human.

a. Anxiety in human-animal attachment has been connected to higher emotional distress — poorer mental health, ambivalence, pervasive worry for the integrity”** of the animal, doubt regarding owner’s worth for ownership & a higher tendency for pathological grief  (**Integrity – not genetically modified)

b. Avoidance in human-animal attachment has been connected with lower emotional distress, a relative indifference toward the animal’s integrity and needs, a lower level of trust & negative expectations in the animal, & a tendency to distance oneself from it.

NEXT :Attachment & Animals, #2

PREVIOUS:
Sexuality & PORN

SITE : “Why Your Brain Thinks Food and Sex Are the Same”

As indicated in the previous post (re. Porn) the ways that sexual interactions are conducted (or not) are a marker of a person’s capacity to “embody their body”- to stay connected & tuned in physically –  in order to experience pleasurable sensations in the body.
Healthy sexuality is a way to enjoy “living in & through” the body with ‘the Other’, providing a sense of ownership and agency (in charge) during foreplay & intercourse.

However – the body is also a battleground for eating disorders (EDs). A study by Cassioli et al. documented well-known sexual dysfunctions often detected in patients with EDs & their connection to core psycho-pathology. It showed that disorders of embodiment explained the interaction between unhealthy eating behaviors & low sexual desire.

“Body image distortion” is a negative attitude about their weight or shape. Uneasiness towards one’s body has been identified on a continuum in the general population, & found to be associated not only with dysfunctional eating habits, which can include obesity & body dysmorphic disorder, but also social anxiety, schizophrenia, manic-depressive disorders.

An international study of women with ED found that their sexual dysfunction  was higher than in the general population. Women with restricting Anorexia Nervosa (AN) – are less likely to have a romantic partner or have engaged in sexual intercourse – than women with Bulimia. However, both EDs are related to :
— lower lifetime body mass index (BMI)
— higher intero-ceptive awareness & trait anxiety
— earlier age of onset of ED, & loss of libido
— decreased sexual desire & increased sexual anxiety
— higher harm avoidance & personal ineffectiveness (powerlessness).

BODY : Aside from genetic, illness & environmental factors, sexual satisfaction in AN sufferers is inversely related to the amount of their caloric restriction, ie. the greater the weight loss, the greater the loss of sexual enjoyment. Along with psychological problems, low libido can also be caused by the physical consequences of hypo-gonadism (either testes or ovaries) of emaciation, proven by an increase in sexual drive with weight restoration.

MIND : Evidence of the mind-body connection comes from clinical observations of sexual attitudes & behavior in patients with EDs, with their sexual activity not being “lived from within” but from a third-person perspective.
In these people, Insecure Attachment styles are responsible for being overly self-conscious of their body, which in turn reduces the ability to feel & decipher bodily “signals” such as hunger, dehydration, satiety, fatigue or pain, as well as emotional detachment. (BDD)

During sexual activity, any person may temporarily consider themself an object to be looked at, inspected & desired. This is not usually a problem if they are Securely Attached, but becomes so when an Insecure is plagued by physical dissatisfaction, emotional avoidance & detachment or compulsive control of one’s own body, including “estrangement feelings” toward it & worries about particular body parts, shapes or functions.

A severe lack of sexual self-esteem can cause a sort of dissociation called “Spectatoring“, a person’s mental fixation on their body &/or performance, while also experiencing themself from a third-person perspective during sexual encounters, disconnected from actual physical

Highly insecure people have a “body-for-the-other” perspective, only as a collection of parts meant to be consumed by others (starting with their parents!). In sexual medicine, self-objectification & women’s tendency toward compulsive self-surveillance (← scroll down) during sexual activity, result in dissociation from the immediate moment,  an intense detraction from the sexual experience.  (“Bodily alienation & the Gaze”  —  Scroll to page 69 )

Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) & ED
CSA is related to borderline personality traits, severe depression, inter-personal distrust, increased weight gain, impaired sexual functioning & body image distortion, panic attacks, suicidality & somatisation.
(BRAIN Effects of CSA)
CSA is a common risk factor for Bulimia & binge eating – more so than  for Anorexia – especially when there are also mental health problems, without indicating the severity of each type.

Studies noted that around 30% of ED patients have been sexually abused in childhood (CSA), & that Bodily Dissatisfaction links them – a revulsion toward the body, with worry about one’s shape, size & weight. People who reported childhood molestation scored higher than those molested at any age after adolescence – on tests for negative body-attitudes, such as on the EAT (eating), the BAT (body), & the BIT (Bulimic Investigatory) of Edinburgh.

NEXT : Attachment & ANIMALS, #1

PREVIOUS : Sexuality & Gender

SITE: “Why a Committed partner may watch porn”

PORNOGRAPHY  – DEF:
√ any sexually explicit image, material or texts directly, deliberately meant to sexually arouse the consumer
√ sexual material produced & distributed with the consent of all persons involved.

INSECURE attachment is associated with a more intense self-consciousness because of a poor body image.
This over-focus shows up as a person’s worry about how they look during physical activity & intimacy with a partner, concern about whether their body is fat or unattractive in some other way.
Self-consciousness during sex can be associated with painful emotions such as shame, anxiety, guilt…. minimizing physical enjoyment. To deal with this pain many people resort to regular pornography use.

According to attachment theory, porn use can bypass core attachment fears, providing insecure people with a false sense of intimacy & security.

The Avoidantly attached are less likely to be sexually intimate with a romantic partner, so pornography may provide a safe-zone to satisfy sexual needs without emotional connections.
Avoidants (& isolated Secures) make more use of porn as a fix for their loneliness, yet loneliness actually increases its online use.

The Anxiously attached can feel especially vulnerable during sexual activity because it taps into the depths of their neediness, the fear that their inner insecurities are being revealed, while intensifying the person’s longing to be secure but without the right to have that need met.

When being in a ‘real’ relationship feels emotionally dangerous, pornography can seem to be appealing, as it offers the ‘perks’ of sexual activity without having to deal with the stresses of face-to-face interactions with another person.

Studies verify they use porn to :
♦ try fulfilling unmet attachment needs, & reduce abandonment fears by repressing or replacing them with impersonal excitement
♦ reduce stress, regulate their emotional state & cope with difficult feeling such as sadness & loneliness, regardless of how false that sense is
♦ ‘manage‘ the fear that -their lack of trust in their partner- will be found out, which they feel would cause the lover to be hurt or angry & reject them as a result.

RESEARCH
A systematic review of literature showed strong association between porn use & negative sexual body image in both men and women. However,  pornography may have more of a negative impact on women IF they are Anxiously attached & currently in a romantic relationship. Since few people naturally have physical characteristics like those featured in sex-movies, female porn-watchers can end up feeling frustrated/bad about themself & even get cosmetic surgery as a result

A study conducted with 949 Israeli women revealed that looking at pornography to escape negative emotions significantly showed lower body image, rather than frequency of use.

In another study with 171 women, their body image was affected only by their partner’s porn-use, & only if they themself had absorbed unrealistic cultural beauty standards.
Pornography use can also harm a man’s body image — if they self-report as having an Anxious or Avoidant attachment in relation to significant others.
It’s been noted that frequent use can cause body-related mental distractions during sexual activity (fear-based obsessions), increasing performance anxiety & self-criticism.

GOOD & BAD PORN
According to recent statistics, 28,258 users are online watching adult movies every second. Since it’s impossible to eliminate the human need for sex, it’s impossible to eradicate the industry – ethical or unethical.  Another study in 2019 indicated that porn addiction occurs in 3–6% of adult movie viewers.

BAD  : Exploitation – porn watchers give little thought to how content was made. Larger porn hosting sites do not indication whether participants were willing or treated fairly.
An alarming number of reports from performers tell about being abused, & coerced by directors & co-stars. Even those who willingly enter the industry can suffer……

GOOD : Responsibly-made porn can be a helpful tool for those discovering their sexuality or wanting to explore sexual fantasies in safe ways. And can be to used to spice up a successful long-term relationship. This is possible without supporting the exploitation of sex workers.
Also, creators of fair-trade pornography are shifting the focus to women‘s needs & desires, dismantling outdated mainstream stereotypes.

NEXT : Sexuality & FOOD

PREVIOUS :  Dismissive Attachment

SITE: “How men confuse Sexual attraction with Emotional Connection”

REVIEW
♥️ SECURE attachment provides stability, satisfaction, self-disclosure, trust, support, & other intimate behaviors

♠️ Insecure attachment has negative outcomes, such as less frequent & less satisfying sex, & more negative emotions during sex

♦︎Anxious attachment causes with personal dissatisfaction, relationship conflict, obsessive-passionate ‘love’ but also a high breakup rate, being demanding of one’s partner, an inappropriate level of self-disclosure, holding dysfunctional beliefs (cognitive distortions), & extreme jealousy. 

♦︎ Avoidant or dismissing attachment is associated with a lower level of intimacy & self-disclosure, higher breakup rate, so a decreased likelihood of falling in love & remaining committed. Such people are attracted to partners with traits they themself have repressed or disowned.

🔴 Attachment & sexual dynamics is not the same in men & women, since they view sexuality somewhat differently.
♀︎ Women tend to have an emotional-interpersonal orientation to sexuality, associating sex with romantic involvement, & being nurturing in sexual situations.
‘Secure’ women have lower scores on socio-sexuality & less approval of casual sex, relative to women of other types.

♂︎ Men, by comparison, tend to have an individualistic-recreational orientation, so are more likely to link sex with physical gratification & want sexual variety.

Based on Attachment theory,
☁︎ Insecure relationships often have unhappy outcomes such as less frequent & less satisfying sex, & more painful emotions during & after sex. Although attachment insecurities take their toll on both men & women’s sex life, women usually pay a heavier price in terms of sexual functioning. 

ANXIOUSLY-PREOCCUPIED attached men & women cope differently with their fear when it comes to sex.
♣︎  Females have higher scores on unrestricted socio-sexuality tests, & are more accepting of sex in casual relationships than women with any other style. They may be tempted to cheat with other lovers for reassurance since having sex to ‘fix’ insecurity is unsuccessful.

NOTE : Both Preoccupied & Avoidant women can suffer from sexual dysfunctions, such as trouble lubricating, reaching orgasm &/or having painful intercourse, decreasing their overall sexual satisfaction.

This is not surprising since women’s sexual functioning is much more likely to be influenced by the kind of relationship they’re in, which for Insecures is likely to be disturbing & unhappy, & therefore more harmful to their sex life. ↗️ (Anxiety, Sexual Function & Genital Issues — for both men & women)

♥︎  Males may also worry too much about their attractiveness & performance, & their neediness makes it hard for a partner to feel loved by them.  The traditional male gender role as the sexual initiator makes them more vulnerable than women to experience rejection, leading more easily to depression, S-H & hopelessness. 

Being insecure about the love of their partner, & anxiety about potential loss –  intensifies their tendency to please the current partner. To reduce the likelihood of rejection, Anxious men will invest money & time in the ongoing relationship, rather than initiate sex with new partners.
They start having sex at an older age, & are less likely to approve of casual sex or to cheat, preventing them from using sex to bolster their self-worth.  As a result, they report having fewer sex partners. 

DISMISSIVE-AVOIDANT people seem to have a disconnect between sex & attachment, with trouble establishing & maintaining attachment bonds. This orientation is associated with a more permissive attitude toward sex — for men, but not in women. These men have higher scores on socio-sexuality & are more accepting of sex in casual relationships than any other attachment type.

Avoidants don’t like to show affection or respond to a partner’s needs. Sex, therefore, is more transactional** for women, without real emotional intimacy, serving personal needs such as stress-reduction. So they may engage in more one-night stands or affairs.
** “a non-marital, non-commercial sexual relationship (not prostitution), motivated by an implicit assumption that sex will be exchanged for material support or other benefits.”

Both avoidant men and women are emotionally disengaged from their partners. But this pattern is more marked for men, possibly because blindness to their partners’ wishes is part of gender role norms that encourage men to value sexual conquest rather than closeness, but this can be modified by the women’s nurturing tendencies.

NEXT : Sexuality & PORN

PREVIOUS : Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

SITEs:❃ “How to date someone with avoidant attachment”
❃ “Avoidant attachment in relationships”

INSECURE
1. Anxious/ Preoccupied (A-Ps) Attachment Style

2a. AVOIDANT Attachment 
Adults with this style typically have a “deactivated” system, not wanting much physical nearness (acting distant) & avoid showing emotions (seem cold). This group would have experienced more neglect as kids than other styles, so intimacy became personally unsafe.

Their relationships are often unsatisfying, which they contribute to by sabotaging with inter-personal destructive behaviors. Their fear makes them less involved & less likely to fall in love, since they don’t believe in ‘happily ever after’. 

Avoidants are generally uncomfortable with sex, considering that it requires physical & psychological interaction – so are less likely to enjoy it, including passionate & affectionate foreplay.

Avoidants tend to have fewer long-term relationships, preferring short-term, emotion-free sex, or will abstain for long periods. Instead, they’ll use fantasy or pornography as a substitute for connection.

Intimate activity is driven by their ego  TO:
— gain high status or prestige with peers
— manipulate or control their partner
— reduce stress, as casual sex is most convenient.

When in a relationship, sex is not that important, & not used to express love or caring for their partner, which causes big problems if they have a Preoccupied lover who relies on sex to feel desired & loved. 

2b. Anxious-Avoidant Attachment
They have some things in common with the Preoccupied style, including :
— a deep fear rejection, equated with abandonment
— do not believe they’re worthy of love
— worried about their partner’s commitment to them
— can feel jealousy, though maybe not be as intensely.
BUT their way of coping can be very confusing for partners & for themself

This group is torn between not wanting to be abandoned (anxiety) & the terror of closeness (avoidance), wanting both autonomy & intimacy, but afraid to be vulnerable.
In the bedroom, this can show up as unpredictable or extreme behavior, since they find it hard to make sexual decisions that honor their desires -as well as- their boundaries.
They can end up guilt-ridden, failing to figure out a way of having successful & satisfying partner-sex.
(↖️ r/dismissiveavoidants) 

Their attachment distress can lead to recurring cycles of compulsive sex, emotional withdrawal during sex, having sex that triggers or upsets them, pursuing poorly negotiated or high-risk sexual activity….. with lots of emotional highs & lows.

2c. Dismissive-avoidant Attachment
These people are more independent, self-sufficient, withdrawn & stoic. Rather than emphasizing the emotional aspects of sex, they see it as mainly physical, focusing on having orgasms or other personal goals (their sexual debut, the “thrill of the chase”… ) .

They don’t trust others so don’t communicate much, which is needed for good sex. Missing are things like negotiating consent, sharing likes & dislikes, exchanging fantasies, even flirting. Their discomfort with closeness can show up as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, sexual compulsivity, infidelity &/or paying sex workers.

In a relationship, initiating sex may be TO:
— avoid an argument
— distract from an ‘issue’
— stop from continuing an uncomfortable discussion
— keep a relationship from going beyond casual, afraid to be clear & direct about what the really need & want.

When in distress, they emotionally retreat, shut down & withdraw, putting a strain on their sex life. In bed, they may be aloof & disengaged, or they may become highly skilled at pleasing their partner without being emotionally engaged. It’s not so much a lack of caring, as a protective mechanism against feeling “weak”.

NOTE : Dismissives may be romantic & charismatic until they develop strong feelings. They’ll come on strong, sweep a partner off their feet, initiating intense sexual experiences.

But if a romantic partner has sex with a Dismissive too early in the relationship, they can put up a psychological wall to compartmentalize emotions, separating sex from love, losing interest in the love ‘aspect’, because having sex relieved the tension that helped form the initial bond.

Even if they love someone, emotional closeness feels both unattainable & dangerous, so they may choose to leave a relationship before their partner has the chance to leave them, to keep their independence & avoid the risk of emotional pain outside their control.

NEXT : Sexuality – Gender differences

PREVIOUS : Attachment & Sexuality – STYLES (#1)

REVIEW : INSECURE Attachment Styles
1.  People with an Anxious/ Preoccupied (A-Ps) attachment style  (19% self-identified)  ARE:
❥ extreme desperate for nearness, connection & merging with the loved one
❥ constantly, intensely worried about how they’re ‘seen’ by others
❥ very needy & clingy, have trouble being independent
❥ obsessed with the inevitability of being abandoned
❥ without PMES boundaries & not respecting their partner’s Bs

a. One double bind : On the one hand they have a very deep belief that no one will ever really be available nor interested in a long-term commitment – with  them.
At the same time they keep looking for the ideal soul-mate, getting attached way too soon, thinking they’re in love – at first sight. But since no-one lives up to their fantasy ideal, they’re constantly disappointed, so no current partner can ever be their ‘true love’.

The best the unrecovered A-Preoccupied person can do is to use sex as a manipulation, to :
⎈ pull the mate into some form of connection they don’t feel the rest of the time
⎈ feel nurtured, the ‘ultimate’ bond of merging bodies
⎈ get reassurance they’re attractive & desirable, although no amount of sex will convince them they really are

b. Another double bind – without self-definition & self-esteem, A-Ps are desperate to be loved & wanted, but only focus on the needs & desires or demands of the partner, while ignoring what truly suits themself, denying their own emotions, longings & dreams. They assume that all their caring & self-sacrifice will be reciprocated, but this rarely happens.

TO manage anxiety, they live in fantasy as a substitute of emotional intimacy. Constant worry about their partner’s feelings & the state of the relationship diminishes sexual enjoyment.
The dubious up-side of people-pleasing is that they’re too likely to accept or overlook the partner’s faults, often to their detriment. Over time, one result is that A-Ps end up feeling under-appreciated, misunderstood, & generally unsatisfied with the way they are being loved.

Because of an intense fear of rejection, they can easily be emotionally labile (rapid, often exaggerated mood changes). Even the most minor or unrealistic sign of unavailability from the partner will lead to distrust & extreme jealousy with anger outburst, which can spill over into their sex life.

Yet in spite of their negative attitude about being desirable in general & sexual activity in particular, A-Ps have more sexual partners (compared to the other styles), & tend to be unfaithful.  They blame themself for never being satisfied, & keep looking for that magical fix.

Ironically, partners of Anxious-Preoccupied lovers can be thrilled by the constant flow of attention & affection, whose eagerness to please can make them passionate & attentive participants.
However, they can also be emotionally dramatic, overwhelming the other person with neediness, which puts them off. The message is “We have to share everything & do everything together, or I’ll die”

Their hidden motivation for having sex is to manage attachment anxiety, looking for symbiosis to stave off the threat of being alone. And when A-Ps are sexually dissatisfied or in pain, they may :
⌲ constantly complaint but not work on alternates or solutions
⌲ talk about it exhaustively, over-analyzing the issues, & blaming their partner
⌲ bring up the problems as indirect, passive-aggression comments
⌲ downplay the problem’s importance, OR
⌲ never mentioning any of it, suffering in silence.

Unhealed Anxious-Preoccupieds create constant instability in a relationship. But having frequent &/or passionate sex may be used as a way to compensate for emotional disconnection. Sex becomes a test of relationship-strength rather than an expression of mutual love & enjoyment.

SUGGESTIONS to a Secure mate of an A-P
🔅Always be in a safe space, & be sure your partner is ready & willing
🔅 If your partner initiate sex, ask if that’s what they actually want, or just need to be cuddled, & stroked
🔅Tell them they’re beautiful / handsome, desirable….

🔅 Encourage them to stay aware of what triggers anxious thoughts – before, during & after sex
🔅Take time to bring them to orgasm. A-Ps don’t expect you to meet their sexual needs, so flip their expectation.
When getting acquainted, before sex ask what they like, what makes them feel good….
Once you know each other, always gently check in – no one feels the same (physically or emotionally) every day.

NEXT : Attachment & Sexuality – Avoidant

PREVIOUS : Attachment & Sexuality, SeCUrE

SITE : 10 signs I’m the problem in my relationship from feeling insecure

Sex mitigates** insecure attachment (**makes less severe)
With its primal longing, sex brings out the best & worst in relationships. Swinging from the highs of passion to the lows of rejection, sex is often an opportunity to explore both the sexual & emotional patterns that need healing.
Yet most of us find it very hard to talk about this topic, especially outside the bedroom. Not surprising, silence & withholding are the key features of bad sex. Instead of connecting, too many partners end up frustrated & lonely.

WHEN A couple’s emotional pattern is in trouble, there are predictable behaviors from each partner, whose self-defeating ‘protective’ defenses reinforce each other.

♠️ Congruent** interplay (**internally consistent). Sexual intimacy is affected by a person’s attachment style, so each partner will choose to either move away <—- or toward -—> the other, in the form of interlocking defenses.
EXP:  A female emotional pursuer (Preoccupied) is also likely to chase her (Avoidant) partner sexually, triggering them to withdraw emotionally & sexually, preferring to watch tv, drink &/or masturbate with porn.
Typically,
🔸The pursuer reacts to even a slight disconnect, their attachment style being hyper-activated by pushing for attention, closeness, interaction & reassurance.They believe that pushing is necessary to feel safe

🔹The withdrawer uses a de-activating strategy – pulling away to avoid escalation, trying to protect the relationship by keeping things calm. They believe that not engaging is necessary to feel safe. But the opposite happens.

The pursuer feel rejected & will react with anger & criticism, getting emotionally & verbally louder, trying to get thru to —-> the withdrawer, who then gets anxious, feeling suffocated, controlled, accused of not being enough & wrong for pulling away – a total failure – & so shuts down even more.  

The withdrawer‘s retreat adds to the message that the pursuer’s needs are too much, intensifying the endless negative cycle. As the pain piles up, the costs to the relationship are grave, with increased distance, mistrust, reactivity & decreased closeness, trust, & safety.

Crossover interplay is the most common relationship game (SWYMD , pg 36) in heterosexual couples seen in therapy. Eventually, with endless frustration for both people, the previous pattern gets reversed. The emotional pursuer switches roles in the sexual pattern to become the withdrawer, & the withdrawer becomes the pursuer.

EXP : Now the male partner finds some security in having sex, motivated by both closeness & pleasure, even though his overall emotional protective strategy is still withdrawal – but camouflaged.
And the female partner wants emotional connection, but in reaction to continually feeling abandoned – will down-regulate** her sexual needs with de-activating strategies  (**minimizing the intensity of emotions, weakening behavioral & facial responses).

With so much push-pull mis-attunement, the negative sexual pattern keeps looping, so that —-
🔸the sexual withdrawer starts using reactive strategies :
☹︎ is constantly preoccupation with sexual thoughts
☹︎ efforts to connect become manipulative, even coercive
☹︎ is hyper-vigilance about their partner’s signals of desire or rejection
☹︎ obsessively worry about their personal attractiveness
AND
🔹 the sexual pursuer starts using minimizing strategies :
☻ dismisses or makes fun of partner’s sexual hints/ requests
☻ inhibits their sexual desire, ignoring their own sexual needs
☻represses sexual thoughts, memories & fantasies
☻ suppresses arousal & orgasm when having sex

EXP of sexual confusion is seen in the Disorganized style, a combination of ambivalent & avoidant behaviors. Sex can be a minefield – people in their group are often submissive, taking on a passive role, & sometimes giving up their dignity in the bedroom.

The good news is that – over time – developing healthy sexual passion can help heal insecure emotional attachment.  If both people are willing & psychologically capable (not BPD, NPD….), sex counseling can help them identify & agree to undo the negative pattern of defensiveness. More importantly, replace those with positive, loving responsiveness to each other.

(⬇️ CHART  : ‘”I can’t get no satisfaction” – a study connecting attachment style to sexual communication & sexual satisfaction. HYPOTHESIS : Inhibited communication was expected to be modified by attachment-related tendencies to defer to partners’ needs, concern with implications of sexual choices, general anxiety regarding sex, & feelings for one’s partner (white circles).
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Sex is part of a positive pattern of attachment

SECURELY attached people are able to regulate their emotions & recognize that their needs are valid & worth investing in.

They also can read other people’s intentions well, to tell if they’re emotionally & physically safe as a sexual partner.
Yet – even if there is a mutual attraction, & the conclusion is that the other person is ‘kosher’, Secures are able & willing to delay gratification, having clear boundaries.

The purpose is to get to know the potential sex-partner first,   to be sure their 1st impressions were right, & form a connection on a mental & emotional level, not just physical.
Then – because secures have good self-esteem, they’re able to communicate their sexual needs with honest & respectful conversations.

Secure Sex – This is when a couple feels safer with each other, less afraid of rejection or disconnection. When outside the bedroom they know their partner will show up & be there, accept them & have their back, ways of expressing **intimacy,

With emotional security, partners help defend each other from threat (a safe harbor). They respect their differences and the need for separateness (not experienced as a form of rejection). They’re happy to encourage each other to express their individual purpose, work, or calling in life (a secure base ).

**Intimacy, known as-partner engagement, is usually thought of as deep, meaningful love making – pillow talk, eye gazing, intense kissing, sensual touching….
But it’s much more than just romantic closeness. To be true intimacy  —> it has to start with each person being emotionally vulnerable & transparent, in context, which does not imply sexual activity. so can be in a close friendships, when mentoring, and of course with ones parents & children.

Secure sex is physically & emotionally satisfying , so constant newness (positions or partners) is/are not needed nor demanded to be content.
At the same time – knowing that their partner is accessible, responsive & engaged, the freer they are to enjoy sexual experiences. The couple feels safe to play, safe to ask for what they want, & safe to enjoy just being sexual with each other without the need for constant reassurance.  

Being able to read & understand each other during sex is part of arousal. This guarantees Synchrony Sex – at least most of the time – where love & connection combine joyfully with physical pleasure.

This emotional attachment is one of the things that makes the human brain so special. It’s how we develop trust to build relationships, so we can experience safety as well as pleasure. We’re wired to connect, to mirror each other’s desires, and to act on the signals we subconsciously send to & receive from each other.
That’s why it’s said that sex starts with brain activity. But your partner (probably) can’t read your mind, that’s why it’s important to keep an open dialogue about your sex life &.ask for what you want in bed .

TRUST and sexual pleasure go hand in hand. Whether you’re having sex with a committed partner, a fun fling, or somewhere in between, there’s no doubt that the dynamic between you two plays a huge role in how much you’re getting from your sex life.   

When you have a deep level of trust with someone, you can be at ease with your partner, so there’s a different level of relaxation that also adds to enjoyment. But trust isn’t an instant thing. It takes time to build it up to the level that’s needed to experience the kind of pleasure that you’d like to.

And we can’t ignore the reality – that in heterosexual relationships women orgasm less than men – called the Pleasure Gap.  (Audio book)
The female body usually needs a feeling of fundamental trust & safety to fully open & relax.
And while sex isn’t all about orgasms, they sure are nice. Not only do they feel great, but it’s a lot easier to get there when you have a lot of trust in the person you’re having sex with.
Deep trust in relationships builds organically, but it can also be cultivated through conscious action.  (How to build trust)

NEXT : Attachment & Sexuality, #2

PREVIOUS : Attachment & Sexuality, #1

3 Emotion -Motivation Systems (cont)
🟥 Lust    //  🟩 Attraction

🟧 Attachment – Often known as companionate love, this stage is associated with monogamy. Close social contact provides feelings of calm, comfort security, understanding, & emotional union.
This allows people to cooperate with a reproductive mate until species-specific parental duties have been completed.

Attachment & intimacy are similar – which include love, emotional regulation & safety. The main difference is that in Attachment only the caregiver is expected to provide commitment, compromise, give-&-take & ‘seeing’ the other, whereas in an intimate relationship both people are (supposed to).

Attachment is the main factor in long-term relationships. While lust & attraction mainly relate to romantic entanglements, attachment promotes friendships, parent-infant bonding, friendships, social cordiality….  from : ☆ vasopressin, the essential chemical for developing long-term commitment & monogamy.

☆ oxytocin is released in large quantities during sex, breastfeeding & childbirth. The common factor is that all are precursors to bonding, but it’s important to have separate relationship categories for Lust, Attraction & Attachment.

NOTE : The fear-shame dynamic can underpin attachment, regardless of gender.
Fear makes you want to believe in someone
Shame makes you need to have someone believe in you.
☀︎ The fear-reactive person (more often female) is attracted to someone they can form a nurturing alliance with – who in turn promises long-term freedom from fear of harm, isolation & deprivation.
☀︎ The shame-reactive** person (more often male) is likely to be attracted to someone who believes in them – unquestioningly! -, especially if they feel successful & can actively ‘take care of’ the other.
**Shame – for not being all powerful, competent & protective.
EXP : When going somewhere in a car, & she gets scared about how he’s diving, which makes him angry (More info).

It’s not one person doing something to the other – when they blame the other for their upset –  but rather happening in combination, for not getting what they need & want from each other . (“If it were’f for You” TA game).
Couples can greatly improve their relationship if they identify the unconscious fear-shame dynamic – those painful emotions & negative, unrealistic expectations that undermine their interactions.

With the right information & willingness, together they can disarm the ‘game’ by getting in touch with their true values. On a deep level, neither wants the other to feel anxious or like a failure. By connecting at that level they are more compassionate with themself & each other, able to re-instate their original reason for bonding.

Stages of Bonding – Going from strangers to lovers. Although no two relationships are alike, most follow similar progressions.
◆ When people are still strangers, a relationship starts with Attraction.
Initial evaluation of another’s desirability is often  influenced first by appearance, although many other factors affect the decision whether or not to proceed. These include personality, compatibility & shared values.

♦︎ In time, this is followed by a decision to pursue a relationship with a specific individual
♦️ As the relationship begins to deepen & familiarity grows – a bond forms, & people may feel they’re in love .

⚤ The formation of this bond is helped by the emotional & physical connection that sex provides. This can happen the first time at a different point in each couple’s early relationship – based on their individual preferences.

LOVE (rather than Dopamine – for pleasure & desire) is activated by the part of the brain having to do with selflessness & habits, which are developed over time. (study ) 
Norepinephrine is associated with the fight-or-flight response. This characteristic helps to understand why brain scans of people in love show such intense reaction to a picture of their loved one. It can be seen in all the reward centers & circuits of the brain, like the ventral tegmental area & the whole dopaminergic pathway.

The difference between love & lust is clearly observable in human behavior. Some traits of love-sex : experience of novelty, intrusive thoughts, focused attention, increased energy, powerful feelings….  This supports the idea that lust is a temporary desire for pleasure, while love is a deep, lasting emotion that requires time to mature.

NEXT : Attachment & Sexuality – STYLES, #1