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SITEs:❃ “How to date someone with avoidant attachment”
❃ “Avoidant attachment in relationships”

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1. Anxious/ Preoccupied (A-Ps) Attachment Style

2a. AVOIDANT Attachment 
Adults with this style typically have a “deactivated” system, not wanting much physical nearness (acting distant) & avoid showing emotions (seem cold). This group would have experienced more neglect as kids than other styles, so intimacy became personally unsafe.

Their relationships are often unsatisfying, which they contribute to by sabotaging with inter-personal destructive behaviors. Their fear makes them less involved & less likely to fall in love, since they don’t believe in ‘happily ever after’. 

Avoidants are generally uncomfortable with sex, considering that it requires physical & psychological interaction – so are less likely to enjoy it, including passionate & affectionate foreplay.

Avoidants tend to have fewer long-term relationships, preferring short-term, emotion-free sex, or will abstain for long periods. Instead, they’ll use fantasy or pornography as a substitute for connection.

Intimate activity is driven by their ego  TO:
— gain high status or prestige with peers
— manipulate or control their partner
— reduce stress, as casual sex is most convenient.

When in a relationship, sex is not that important, & not used to express love or caring for their partner, which causes big problems if they have a Preoccupied lover who relies on sex to feel desired & loved. 

2b. Anxious-Avoidant Attachment
They have some things in common with the Preoccupied style, including :
— a deep fear rejection, equated with abandonment
— do not believe they’re worthy of love
— worried about their partner’s commitment to them
— can feel jealousy, though maybe not be as intensely.
BUT their way of coping can be very confusing for partners & for themself

This group is torn between not wanting to be abandoned (anxiety) & the terror of closeness (avoidance), wanting both autonomy & intimacy, but afraid to be vulnerable.
In the bedroom, this can show up as unpredictable or extreme behavior, since they find it hard to make sexual decisions that honor their desires -as well as- their boundaries.
They can end up guilt-ridden, failing to figure out a way of having successful & satisfying partner-sex.
(↖️ r/dismissiveavoidants) 

Their attachment distress can lead to recurring cycles of compulsive sex, emotional withdrawal during sex, having sex that triggers or upsets them, pursuing poorly negotiated or high-risk sexual activity….. with lots of emotional highs & lows.

2c. Dismissive-avoidant Attachment
These people are more independent, self-sufficient, withdrawn & stoic. Rather than emphasizing the emotional aspects of sex, they see it as mainly physical, focusing on having orgasms or other personal goals (their sexual debut, the “thrill of the chase”… ) .

They don’t trust others so don’t communicate much, which is needed for good sex. Missing are things like negotiating consent, sharing likes & dislikes, exchanging fantasies, even flirting. Their discomfort with closeness can show up as erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, sexual compulsivity, infidelity &/or paying sex workers.

In a relationship, initiating sex may be TO:
— avoid an argument
— distract from an ‘issue’
— stop from continuing an uncomfortable discussion
— keep a relationship from going beyond casual, afraid to be clear & direct about what the really need & want.

When in distress, they emotionally retreat, shut down & withdraw, putting a strain on their sex life. In bed, they may be aloof & disengaged, or they may become highly skilled at pleasing their partner without being emotionally engaged. It’s not so much a lack of caring, as a protective mechanism against feeling “weak”.

NOTE : Dismissives may be romantic & charismatic until they develop strong feelings. They’ll come on strong, sweep a partner off their feet, initiating intense sexual experiences.

But if a romantic partner has sex with a Dismissive too early in the relationship, they can put up a psychological wall to compartmentalize emotions, separating sex from love, losing interest in the love ‘aspect’, because having sex relieved the tension that helped form the initial bond.

Even if they love someone, emotional closeness feels both unattainable & dangerous, so they may choose to leave a relationship before their partner has the chance to leave them, to keep their independence & avoid the risk of emotional pain outside their control.

NEXT : Sexuality – Gender differences