PREVIOUS : Attachment & Sexuality, SeCUrE

SITE : 10 signs I’m the problem in my relationship from feeling insecure

Sex mitigates** insecure attachment (**makes less severe)
With its primal longing, sex brings out the best & worst in relationships. Swinging from the highs of passion to the lows of rejection, sex is often an opportunity to explore both the sexual & emotional patterns that need healing.
Yet most of us find it very hard to talk about this topic, especially outside the bedroom. Not surprising, silence & withholding are the key features of bad sex. Instead of connecting, too many partners end up frustrated & lonely.

WHEN A couple’s emotional pattern is in trouble, there are predictable behaviors from each partner, whose self-defeating ‘protective’ defenses reinforce each other.

♠️ Congruent** interplay (**internally consistent). Sexual intimacy is affected by a person’s attachment style, so each partner will choose to either move away <—- or toward -—> the other, in the form of interlocking defenses.
EXP:  A female emotional pursuer (Preoccupied) is also likely to chase her (Avoidant) partner sexually, triggering them to withdraw emotionally & sexually, preferring to watch tv, drink &/or masturbate with porn.
Typically,
🔸The pursuer reacts to even a slight disconnect, their attachment style being hyper-activated by pushing for attention, closeness, interaction & reassurance.They believe that pushing is necessary to feel safe

🔹The withdrawer uses a de-activating strategy – pulling away to avoid escalation, trying to protect the relationship by keeping things calm. They believe that not engaging is necessary to feel safe. But the opposite happens.

The pursuer feel rejected & will react with anger & criticism, getting emotionally & verbally louder, trying to get thru to —-> the withdrawer, who then gets anxious, feeling suffocated, controlled, accused of not being enough & wrong for pulling away – a total failure – & so shuts down even more.  

The withdrawer‘s retreat adds to the message that the pursuer’s needs are too much, intensifying the endless negative cycle. As the pain piles up, the costs to the relationship are grave, with increased distance, mistrust, reactivity & decreased closeness, trust, & safety.

Crossover interplay is the most common relationship game (SWYMD , pg 36) in heterosexual couples seen in therapy. Eventually, with endless frustration for both people, the previous pattern gets reversed. The emotional pursuer switches roles in the sexual pattern to become the withdrawer, & the withdrawer becomes the pursuer.

EXP : Now the male partner finds some security in having sex, motivated by both closeness & pleasure, even though his overall emotional protective strategy is still withdrawal – but camouflaged.
And the female partner wants emotional connection, but in reaction to continually feeling abandoned – will down-regulate** her sexual needs with de-activating strategies  (**minimizing the intensity of emotions, weakening behavioral & facial responses).

With so much push-pull mis-attunement, the negative sexual pattern keeps looping, so that —-
🔸the sexual withdrawer starts using reactive strategies :
☹︎ is constantly preoccupation with sexual thoughts
☹︎ efforts to connect become manipulative, even coercive
☹︎ is hyper-vigilance about their partner’s signals of desire or rejection
☹︎ obsessively worry about their personal attractiveness
AND
🔹 the sexual pursuer starts using minimizing strategies :
☻ dismisses or makes fun of partner’s sexual hints/ requests
☻ inhibits their sexual desire, ignoring their own sexual needs
☻represses sexual thoughts, memories & fantasies
☻ suppresses arousal & orgasm when having sex

EXP of sexual confusion is seen in the Disorganized style, a combination of ambivalent & avoidant behaviors. Sex can be a minefield – people in their group are often submissive, taking on a passive role, & sometimes giving up their dignity in the bedroom.

The good news is that – over time – developing healthy sexual passion can help heal insecure emotional attachment.  If both people are willing & psychologically capable (not BPD, NPD….), sex counseling can help them identify & agree to undo the negative pattern of defensiveness. More importantly, replace those with positive, loving responsiveness to each other.

(⬇️ CHART  : ‘”I can’t get no satisfaction” – a study connecting attachment style to sexual communication & sexual satisfaction. HYPOTHESIS : Inhibited communication was expected to be modified by attachment-related tendencies to defer to partners’ needs, concern with implications of sexual choices, general anxiety regarding sex, & feelings for one’s partner (white circles).
«

«
NEXT : Attachment & Sexuality – SECURE