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SITEs :
♚ “Yes it’s your Parents Fault” & Commentary

♚ Attachment AVOIDANCE & the Brain 

🖤 ME-no / YOU-no
This style may be one of the hardest to understand – confusing to both sufferers & observers. While these types have a strong desire to protect themself by avoiding relationships, they still having a strong desire to be in one. They’re torn between the fear of being too close to and of being too far from others.

People with the Anxious (fearful) AVOIDANT style have a negative views both of themselves and of others➖/➖ .
They feel unworthy & undeserving of love, but also believe it’s not safe to give their love & trust to others — because they’re convinced everyone will always hurt or reject them.

Their moods are confused & unpredictable. While they desperately try to suppress all emotions, the pain of loneliness & fear of abandonment leaves them overwhelmed, often experiencing emotional storms.  (Post : “ACoAs & Boundaries #4“ ↙️ )

The need to connect is real but it feels terrifying because they’re convinced they will always be rejected or inevitably lose the one they care about. To protect themself they settle for avoiding close involvement with others. The tragedy for them – without Recovery – is that the person they want to go to for safety is the same person who will be unsafe.

If they do find themself in a relationship, they’ll cling to their partner when feeling rejected, then feel trapped when they get closer.
Result : Their relationship timing is usually off since they don’t have a workable strategy for getting their needs met from others.

a. Avoiders are most likely find themself in rocky, dramatic or physically abusive relationships, with many highs & lows, swinging between fear of punishment and the struggle to feel connected & secure.

b. On the other hand, without Recovery, Avoiders haven’t developed the armor of high self-esteem that would allow them to function well whenever they happen to be without an attachment.

 
Avoidants can cause a lot of problems in a relationship, most likely when paired with a Secure or Anxious-Preoccupied partner – which is especially draining emotionally for the Anxious one.

Vicious Circle : ✤ When the Avoidant physically withdraws & is emotionally distant – it triggers the Anxious-Preoccupied partner, who feels insecure & so tries to draw the other person ‘back in’

✤ This makes the Avoidant pull away, because they feel pressured
✤ As the Preoccupied continues to try closing the gap, the Avoidant grows more distant, feeling suffocated

✤ This can easily turn the Preoccupied’s fear into rage, which leads them to act out with some extreme behaviors (yelling, berating, accusing, jealousy, sulking….), making things worse.

✤ After the dust settled down, the Preoccupied will feel intense shame & regret, remembering what they like about their partner
✤ However, the Preoccupied’s over-reactions push the Avoidant away even more, who focuses on their partner’s negative traits -which keep repeating.
Hopefully, becoming aware of this pattern can help both people want to get help to change, & so reduce their conflicts.
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NEXT: AVOIDANT Style #2