ACoAs & Emotional Immaturity (Part 3)

putting things off  

I WANT ALL THE ATTENTION
no matter what it takes! 

PREVIOUS: Emotional Immaturity (# 2)

REMINDER: ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

QUOTE:  “Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy. In fact, they are incompatible. One emotion hardly leaves room for the other.” Robert Heinlein

10. NOT DEPENDABLE
• are generally unreliable, often late, not doing what we say they’ll do, letting people down (with lots of ready excuses)
• regularly promise things we can’t or don’t want to do, so constantly disappoint
• our life is chaotic & impulsive, making us unpredictable & ‘difficult’
• only focus on our own gain or loss, so have a hard time with integrity

PS: The roles of Hero, Martyr or Co-dependent may make us seem ‘strong’ & responsible, but compulsive over-doing, placating, & people-pleasing are tstarving childo the detriment of self-care & the true needs & feelings of others!

11. OVERLY DEPENDENT
Some symptoms are: Fear of abandonment (FoA), co-dependence & people-pleasing, (perhaps also extreme conservatism)
• fear, distrust, anger & anxiety are our basic emotional reactions to life
• acting as the Victim: always complaining or whining about something, or apathetic & numbed out. Focused on self-pity, waiting to be taken care of
• insecure, defensive, make snap judgments – covered up either by being totally self-effacing or puffing ourselves up all the time

• chronically expect some other person, place or thing to make life worth while (which becomes a burden to o2 catsthers), needing someone around all the time
• prone to intense attachments or enmeshments (symbiosis), continually dependent on someone else, when a reasonable amount of self-reliance should be present as an adult. This does not apply to temporary dependency caused by present-day trauma or major illness

• indecisive – not able to make simple choices or decisions and keep to them, from being too easily influenced, bullied or manipulated by others
• get angry when a significant other (as parent-substitute) expresses their own needs & wants, when different from our own
• need to please everyone, in exchange for safety & gratification doing ‘nice’ things for their own advantage, so are rarely emotionally honest
invest ourselves in any belief system or person who reinforces our own opinions (actually those of the WIC & PP), OR who promises rescue, salvation, status, or privilege

12. STIMULUS HUNGRY
• addicted to adrenalin, drama & various forms of dangerstimulus hunger
• have poor impulse control, including an inability to delay gratification (“I want it now, now, now”- even Recovery!)
• demand instant results from ourselves & others, so have poor follow-thru. Our promising beginnings end in failure for lack of persistence, so our gifts & skills are often wasted
• have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (appearance, social position, money & possessions, sexual desirability…)

13. NOT RESPONSIBLE
• rely on others for care and protection, being superficial & thoughtless
• make bad choices, or none at all
• don’t own our part in bad situations, re. our problems with othersking-baby
• are convinced other people’s actions cause our lack of ability or poor performance
WE:
• don’t have a realistic view of ourselves, & can’t take in or use constructive criticism
• avoid or deny having financial, work & relationship problems
• can become defensive or antagonistic if others try to point out any part we played in our troubles

14. MANIPULATIVE
• experience the world as so threatening so hide our fear by subtly invalidating others (undermining), double talk, guilt, acting weak & incompetent, playing on other’s sympagrudge-holdingthy….
• highly self-absorbed, unsympathetic, passive-aggressive (covert hostility)
• hold onto unexpressed resentments, while our real intentions & behaviors are hostile: the con man, the gossip, the martyr, the two-face
• pretend to have emotional stability which is we don’t actually have
• not able to face reality as an adult, we tend to LIE quite often, as a defense mechanism, even about small things, especially when not necessary. We gradually forfeit the trust of friends, family, and co-workers

NEXT: Emotional Maturity – General