acoa recovery

UNIT: Healthy Adult/Parent (Part 1)

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BALANCE OF POWER –
I can change ‘who’ runs my life!

PREVIOUS: Ego States-Parent #4


ACRONYMS:
ES = ego states // HA = healthy adult //
LP = loving parent //  NC = natural child  //
WIC = Wounded inner child //  PP = pig parent  //  PMES = physical, mental, emotional, spiritual // UNIT = HA + LP
✦    ✦     ✦
❀ Genuine Recovery is marked by internalizing the ‘sane’ information we’re learning, so it becomes an automatic part of us – the new normal.
As we incorporate new understanding, we’ll be able to consistently respond to the world from a different place, which gives us a sense of safety, mastery & empowerment (as in the “AA Promises“)

This can never be done perfectly or without regressions & digressions – so don’t expect that. The goal is to keep moving forward on the path of healing. To do this we need to build a healthy ‘UNIT’ (H.A. + L.P.) to be the inner EXECUTIVE.

• All unhealed ACoAs are run by the interaction of  their Bad Parent & Wounded Child – ego states (E.S.)
• But so are many people who are in Recovery, before they do family-of-origin work (FoO)

• High-functioning ACoAs have a fairly well-developed Adult E.S. (but with some CDs), but are missing the Loving Parent, which can be seen in how we talk to ourself & deal with personal relationships

3 MAJOR TASKS of the ‘UNIT’
a.To separate the PigP & WIC, to stop the child from having to obey the cruel & unhelpful domination of the BAD PARENT .
Internally, we may only hear one or the other, but without Recovery the PigP has all the power, & left on its own, the vulnerable WIC has no choice but to submit

b. To nurture, guide & take care of both the Healthy & the Damaged parts of our Child
• For the WIC – to help it heal from all it’s PMES wounds with unconditional love & nurturing, & let it know it never has to be alone again
• For the N.C. – to help it find it’s voice & develop it’s true potential, which creates our self-esteem

c. To interact efficiently with the rest of the world in order to get ALL our needs met – by learning what our options are, developing the skills & attitudes for self-care & social ease – given our individual circumstances & abilities, so we can have more comfortable & fulfilled lives

🦻🏼 WHY you may not ‘hear’ the IC 🦻🏼
1. Being ‘kid whipped’!
a. you’re ALL kid.  Without the ‘UNIT’ present there is no dialogue. That can be changed. The child E.S. is a separate entity, & should not be in charge.  A therapist once said: “You have a child, you are not a child!”
• Picture the WIC outside of yourself – in your lap, on the bed or floor, hiding behind a chair or curtain…. but always there, waiting

b. the IC is too young to talk.  Depending on what IC age is being triggered by a current situation, you may feel your pre-verbal infant self – with lots of emotions but no words

c. the WIC doesn’t trust you. If you’ve been unavailable altogether, or inconsistent, only talking AT the kid,  sounding like the bad parent…. the kid isn’t going to respond!
EXP: “Hi buddy, what’s up ?”  >> “What do you care?”

d. the IC is old enough to talk but doesn’t know how to express what’s going on with it yet – doesn’t have the right words for things it’s feeling, isn’t developed enough to think abstractly, isn’t allowed to say what it feels or needs…. EXP: “ Hi honey, what’s bothering you?” >> “I don’t know”. —- young kids always say, whatever the situation

e. The older WIC – maybe 16-18 – is angry if you’ve been ignoring him/her, responded when asked why they’d done something ‘off’, especially if you’ve already been talking to the younger ones. You may get an image of it with its back turned to you, crossed arms, pouting….

The teen needs just as much attention, but of a different kind = more practical, included in decisions, being asked its opinion. This ES often hold knowledge & wisdom we’re not even aware of – until we connect.
BUT also – there are still many things our teen Self doesn’t understand, so it needs validation of its painful experiences, AND talked to with respect.

NEXT: Healthy Adult / Loving Parent – #2

Ego States – PARENT (Part 5) Modes

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adult choices 

MY “ADULT” CAN CHOOSE HOW I RESPOND –
from a positive or negative Parent voice

PREVIOUS: Parent E.S. – Part 4

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

EGO STATE (ES) MODES
NOTE : The Adult ES is our Executive branch, & most beneficial as a person’s guiding force. It can either be the healthy or unhealthy part of someone, with good or bad motives, with good or bad consequences.

EXP: The Adult is in charge whether one is planning a new town on a drawing board, or planning to rob a bank. Both require logic, reason, critical thinking faculties, planning skills….. Review ‘OK Corral’ (Adult E.S., Part 3)

This chart ⬇️ shows the Parent aspects. (See CHILD ES version)

1. UNHEALTHY PES says: “You’re Not OK” to self & others
a. Negative CRITICAL / Controlling P. is punitive & insensitive. Gives abusive, degrading criticism, to overemphasize being in control – using fear, suspicion & distrust: “How stupid can you be”….
For ACoAs :
• Outward – often expressed towards others as prejudice & disapproval
• Inward – continues to influence the Inner Child in the form of S-H
Parent Mode
EXP: It’s the person who sees an injured dog in the street, & says: ‘All dogs should be kept on leads, not allowed to roam free’ – & so does nothing to help

b. Negative ‘NURTURING P. is over-protective or engulfing, giving physical attention in order to control or manipulate others. May smother with concern, denying people the opportunity to develop their own skills.
Help is given from a self-serving attitude which discounts the other person’s actual needs, as well as their autonomy & competence

The Negative Parent (PigP) is ‘on’ when we’re:
Physical – frowning, crossed arms, finger-pointing, angry or impatient body-language & expressions, superiority gestures…..
Verbal – using a condescending tone, judgmental & critical words, patronizing or posturing language :
“This is how you should — //  under no circumstances — //  you should always — //  never do — //  for once in your life — // you shouldn’t — //  how dare you —  // don’t do as I do, do as I say…”

Keep in mind that cultural differences in body-language or tonal emphases that may seem ‘Parental’ in one culture may not be the speaker’s intention in another.

2. HEALTHY PES says: “You’re OK” to self & others
Since the following aspects are either missing or weak in most ACoAs – especialgood parent voicely toward ourself – developing & encouraging the Good / Loving Parent voice is a critical (no pun intended) & fundamental requirement for our growth

Positive NURTURING P.
🌺 For US: It’s used to self-sooth, help the WIC with any form of emotional distress, letting the Child (C.) know it’s never alone.
It is also the part that encourages, cheers & champions the Healthy / Natural C. to “be all you were meant to & can BE”! It draws from our own native capacity for kindness, as well as any experiences of being cared for, by anyone, but especially in childhood. (This is – or can form –  our Positive Introject)

✿ For OTHERS: It’s the source of kindness, respect & help we give others, coming from a genuine regard for them as fellow-travelers on this earth. It allows us to give-&-take appropriate physical affection, such as a gentle hug or touch when desired
EXP: It’s the person who lovingly picks up that dog, who got injured by a car while crossing the road, & takes it to the vet

Positive CRITICAL / Controlling P. (needed!) 
🌺 For US: It’s used to set boundaries for oneself, providing self-control – limiting the Child’s excessive wants, demands, distorted thinking, inappropriate behavior such as unhealthy or unsafe acting out ….  It’s the way a good parent holds a child back from running across the street, limits unhealthy foods, sets curfews…. the Pos. Controlling P. helps us stay out of or leave dangerous or unsuitable people / situations…..

✿ For OTHERS:  Instructions & commands are aimed at genuinely encouraging someone’s well-being. Constructive criticism is used to protect & steer away from harm or potential danger : “You might want to consider — //  I encourage you to stay away from the — //  be careful when you — // I recommend that you…..

NEXT:  Parent ES #6

Ego States – CHILD (Part 5)

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broken home

 PREVIOUS: Child E.S. (Part 2)

CES = child ego state
AES = adult   ”     ”
PES  = parent  ”    ”

NC = Natural C.  // AC = Adapted C.

2. ADAPTED CHILD (cont)
2a. BROADLY (Part 4)

2b. SYMPTOMS of the -AC
Ways it expresses uncomfortable or painful emotions
Physical – have temper tantrums, roll eyes, shrug shoulders, use a whining voice
AND / OR inappropriately giggle, kid around, laugh, raise hand to speak, squirm, talk behind hand, wink….

Verbal – baby talk, be literal, talk too much. Phrases : “Oh no not again, Things never go right for me, ….worst day of my life, I dunno”….
AND/ OR  brag, exaggerate, pontificate. Use many superlatives (best, most, biggest), ‘big’ words to impress…. Phrases start with :  “I wish, I want, I’m gonna, I don’t care”.
CHART:
In adulthood :  Three negative adaptations to early trauma, -AC styles, found in C2
These nuances are ways the WIC can act up at WORK or in other groups, expressing “I’m NOT OK” or “I’m not OK & neither are you!” (OK Coral)

• Compliant Child ES
Fearful attitude :“I’ll do anything to please you as long as you don’t get mad at me or fire me”.
This person doesn’t make a good team member (don’t pull their weight), & will be highly stressed if they have to manage others. Often feel depressed, overwhelmed & unrealistically anxious
• Oppositional Child ES
Angry attitude : “No one can control me”  
Reacts against others, whether someone actually agree or disagree with them – as a false boundaries & a temporary sense of power. Negative repercussions are obvious
• Reckless Child ES
Arrogant attitude : “I only do things MY way”. (-FC)
This type has no boundaries & does whatever it wants, no matter the consequences to self or others. The person never / rarely takes responsibility for their actions. If they’re an employee it takes a great deal of management effort to keep them focused & out of trouble. As a boss – they run roughshod over everyone.

NOTE: We can switch into whichever state gets triggered by a current situation, often related to different ages in our past “Compliant’ is usually the youngest Inner Child of the past – age 3-5 . “Reckless / Rebellious” tends to be our teenager….
(⬆️ see the 3 Damaging Parent ES in “Parent – #4”)

FIXATION (see Basics Part 3)
DEF : an attachments to people or things persisting from childhood into adult life. An inability to adopt any different or new perspective about a problem

As long as the original trauma in our past is still lurking in the background as unfinished business, those experiences become psychological fixations – ‘stuck-ness’. So behaviors, beliefs or feelings connected to unhealed buttons can still be triggered by events in the present.
One stressor may throw us back to thoughts, emotions & actions when we were 10, while another event make us feel like a helpless infant

When the -AC E.S. takes over our usual way of functioning, we’re hijacked by something inside, out of our control because it happens so fastold damage – & we’re back in our childhood (regression). This shows us exactly where particular old wounds need to be repaired. (“Cycles of Power” has examples)

Fixations hold up a mirror to the PigP (Introject), not from our True Self which includes the Natural Child (+FC), capable of being comfortable with self & others.
Instead, mal-adaptive Introjects keep our Child part in pain, psychologically trapped in the past. Fortunately we can reprogram the brain.

⚙️ We can be emotionally stuck in the past because of verbally, physically & sexually abusive adults, physical & emotional neglect, unmet developmental needs, & generally unskillful or inadequate parenting. Children get confused when their needs are punished, misunderstood, ignored or trivialized – consciously or not. When it happens often enough, those lacks poison our whole world. (MORE…. examples)

💜 But even with caring parents, some ACoAs can get fixated at a  developmental stage because:
• the child or siblings’ needs were particularly complex or obscure
• unavailable or incompetent social / medical ‘support’ systems
• the family was under extreme stress from various hardships (severe financial or health problems, natural disasters, war / PTDS)…..
….. which under better circumstances 🌤 those parents would have wanted to & been capable of providing 🌺.

NEXT: Ego States – CHILD (Part 4)

Ego States – CHILD (Part 3)

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PREVIOUS: NATURAL Child ES

SITE: Comfort bags : emotional first aid kit (includes SONGS for the IC)

CES = child ego state  //  AES = adult ES  // PES  = parent ES
NC = Natural C.  // AC = Adapted C.(WIC)

1. NATURAL Child (Part 2)

2. ADAPTED Child (+AC) – It is a normal & necessary aspect of all human beings, the part that learns about & adapts to what is expected of us in our particular society, so we know who we are & how to survive.
It incorporates the lessons of our family, school, society & religion – molded in childhood, every day from every aspect of our early environment.child aspects

Our Adapted Child part learns how to behave under the influence of its family, in ways the parents would like it to be – obedient & precocious, or reserved & scholarly, or aggressive & vindictive….

❇️ For kids from functional homes, it’s formed around healthy rules & values, which then translates into well-adjusted, self-caring grownups who contribute their special abilities to society.

POSITIVE QUALITIES
🔅 Adapts, adjusts, fits in, reconciles itself to its environment
🔅 Absorbs values, mores, rules & restrictions of its society
🔅 Conforms to gender-specific messages & other norms
🔅 Contains the development of social skills & appropriate behavior

IMPORTANT : The Natural & Adapted Self are not automatically in agreement. Even in healthy environments (home, school, culture, religion) the 2 part of us can have different needs, desires & dreams.
EXP: What if the NS is born to be a talented artist / actor…., but the AC is required to be an academic, or macho sports hero, or business leader…..? ☆ How developed the Natural Self becomes over time will determine which one eventually wins out.
🔻          🔺           🔻
For ACoAs, the ADAPTED C.(-AC) ▲  is our wounded part (WIC), in reaction to wounding caregivers. It has to adapt in harmful ways BY rescuing, over-conformed & easily manipulated, being helpless or self-destructive…. It’s made up of our:
Ts – accumulated memories of many traumatic events
Es – all the pain (loneliness, despair, shame, hurt, humiliation….)
As – the child’s coping behaviors (caretaking adults & siblings, fighting, hiding, lying, studying…. )

For everyone, the normal Child includes sometimes being unpleasant – having resistance, hostility or reactivity – when feeling uncomfortable or threatened (a new siblings, a poor school grade, a divorce, a serious illness….), but most of the time they don’t have to worry.

BUT for ACoAs – our sense of dread & anxiety in childhood came from being constantly stressed (neglect, abuse, confusion, losses), so the -AC:
• became our False Self, developed as the only way to cope in childhood
• overshadows the True Self, so we may not even know who we truly are
• prevents us from having access to a Healthy Adult
• denies the intuition & emotional intelligence of our Natural Child

All kids come up with strategies to get through difficult situations, but when a child endlessly needs to protect itself, those strategies become a habit, then armor or a wall, the default position used in all situations, no matter what the circumstance.

Characteristics of the -AC ego state
PSYCHOLOGY
• Assumes it is the ‘Real Self’, being the only one a person knows, but is not
• Believes it’s protecting itself, but prevents our normal / universal needs from being met correctly
• Compulsively obeys the Toxic family RULES
• Emotions include anxiety, envy, guilt, rage
• Houses the Toxic ROLES – Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot
BEHAVIOR
• Acts from Victim, Rescuer or Bully position
• Can over-compensate, becoming aggressive or rebellious
• Is over-controlled or can be controlling (copying thbad WICe Introject)
• Lacks genuine confidence. Not able or willing to accept balanced, appropriate responsibility
• Weak boundaries, so gives in to unreasonable demands from others – OR
• Walled up, so is always deprived &/or withholding

As the WIC, the -AC reacts to the world around it by either changing itself to fit in (‘good girls/boy’), or rebelling against all forces it encounters (as enemies)

If a ‘normal’ grown-up temporarily regresses to this ego state, they’ll experience inner needs & the outer world as they did in one of their earlier developmental stages. In that state, although seemingly in the present, they’re actually reacting to a current situation thru childhood mental & emotional lenses. But it doesn’t last.

NEXT: Child E.S.

Ego States – CHILD (Part 1)

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Inner children
I CAN FEEL ALL MY EMOTIONS
when I connect with my Child part

PREVIOUS: ADULT E.S. (Part 3)

CES = child ego state
AES = adult   ”     ”
PES  = parent  ”    ”
NC = natural child / AC = Adapted C.

GENERAL
Everyone has a CHILD Ego State (CES) – the earliest stage of our development, forming our personality in the first 5-7 yrs of life. Similar in many ways to the Freudian concept of id, it operates on the pleasure principle, automatically & persistently aimed at gratifying & fulfilling needs – but available on a conscious level.

We continue in child mode well into our late teens & early 20s, through 7 developmental stages.(“Cycles of Power” by Pamela Levin). For the rest of life the CES is both an influence (what we think & feel inside) & a state (looking & acting like the little person we once were).

CHILD e.s.🌺 It’s called “archaeo-psyche” because it’s a collection of taped & stored info – behaviors, thoughts & feelings held over from childhood.
In T. A. terms, it’s made up of the Natural /Free Child (NC) – our fundamental identity – overlaid by the Adapted Child (AC), healthy or unhealthy, developed in response to our environment which are ‘understood’ as filtered through our natural tendencies (Part 2,3)

Its goal is to feel pleasure & avoid pain – no matter how or at what cost. It’s focused on Self needs only, even when relating to others or trying to being helpful : “I want, Don’t leave me, I refuse, You can’t make me, I don’t wanna, I want you to….”

This does not mean it’s a bad aspect, to be gotten rid of. We need it, since it holds the seeds of our native qualities, as well as the wounds that influence later behavior. It’s just that as adults it’s not healthy to be ruled by the Child. (See ‘Contamination’)

✦ This E.S. is mainly the domain of the ‘felt’ – the Right brain. Before we were able to talk (Left), our whole world was about feelings & sensations!
So most, but not all, of our emotions (Es) – including all the old stored up ones – reside in the C. part of us
brain sidesFor ACoAs, it is our NC that has mainly been suppressed, ignored, almost crushed. Early on it had to go into hiding to preserve itself from overwhelming harm.
However, it shows up anyway, perhaps sideways – when we use our natural talents – in business, in the arts, in science…. BUT without Recovery we don’t believe they have value, assuming we’re frauds. ◎ Healing works to help us own & happily appreciate them.

▶ In CHILDHOOD
Before we have the grown-up components of the Adult & Parent, we develop rudimentary aspects of them – the Child’s versions of them (+FC), along with the basic tendencies we’re born with – the C’s C. Eventually these 3 parts become the essence of the Inner Child E.S. no matter how old we are. (see Second Order E.S. Map).

C. e.s.✦ C’s Parent – sometimes called mother’s ‘Little Helper‘.  Kids, even very small ones, will help a drunk parent up the stairs, rock their dolly to sleep, care for a pet… OR be bossy, lecture other kids, copy their parents’ way of treating their younger siblings…
⚒ Electrode (zaps you with a toxic command, causing a knee-jerk reaction), Witch Mother or Fairy Godmother

✦ C’s Adult – trying to do ‘grownup’ things, even before they’re ready, going to the store or school – alone, ‘being in charge’, showing off their cleverness & knowledge… trying to figure out how things work…. BUT without enough info or mature ego states to process everything correctly
⚒ The Little Professor

✦ C’s Child – our most basic self, the core of our identity, the most vulnerable part, aspect of ourself which, as adults, has often been suppressed to the point of being invisible.  This part is composed of our physical self, instincts, biological urges, genetic recordings, and how we learn, our level of sensitivity, social preferences, the full range of emotions – from great joy to great pain, down to how we like our eggs cooked! 
⚒ Magical Child or Little Fascist

NEXT: CHILD E.S. (Part 2)

Ego States – ADULT (Part 1)

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PAC male
A HEALTHY ADULT INNER VOICE
helps me function well in the world

PREVIOUS: Ego States – Summary

SITE: T.A. tests & definitions

REMINDER: Ego states (E.S.) are in our conscious mind, & only one can be in the foreground at any given moment. Whichever one is on the ‘front burner’ is called The Executive  – for the length of time it’s in charge.
Healthy people can switch between ego states, as needed – most of the time.  It’s NOT supposed to be a rigid framework, but many ACoAs are trapped in the Wounded Child E.S.

All E.S. function on a continuum, from mild to severe … AND a person can go from OK to NOT OK & back again more than once throughout a day. We can catch this by noticing physical & verbal characteristics
✦ Parent : Language is made up of value judgements, lecturing, scolding, controlling….  About ‘You…’ or ‘One…’ rather than “I or me”. Posture tends to be leaning forward

✦ Child :  Words are direct & spontaneous. Physically, the person can be sullen from anger, stiff w/ fear…. If in the Adapted C. = may cry silently. In Free C. = have fun & maybe be excited-noisy
IF comfortable – they’re engaged, attentive, use hand gestures….
✦ ADULT
Physically – Posture is erect, maybe with tilted head (listening). Attentive, interested, straight-forward, non-threatening & non-threatened
Verbally – Tone is measured, clear, precise, crisp, rational, logical.  Words are clear, definable, factual: “It’s a cold day so we’ll need extra clothes”.
Talks in terms of: why, what, how, who, where & when, how much, in what way. Uses comparative expressions, reasoned & accurate statements

PURPOSE of Adult E.S. = “Neo-psyche”, for survival of the Self
a. FACTUAL: This part of us concentrates on Reality, lives in the present & holds the accumulated data of all our experiences.
It begins forming around age 6 to 10 months & is assumed to be fully developed in a normal person by age 12 (from T.A.), but its actual function is not related to a person’s age.
The A. deals with external facts (“It’s 5 pm, the train is late…”), analyzing & solving problems, also using information from Parent & Child states, giving us the ability to successfully deal with the world

b. REGULATING: The A. is in charge of supervising & managing the activities of both adult vectorsInner Parent & Child, AND intervening between them when necessary.
It allows us to keep control of those other 2 states – to not let the P. become too rigid, controlling, pontificating (“Do as I say not as I do”) nor the C. too out of control, selfish, hurtful ( “I’ll kill that so-&-so!”)

EXP: When PigP beats up IC : “You’re no good, look at what you did wrong again, you’re useless”, the WIC will agree: “I’m no good, look how useless I am, I never get anything right”.

🔸 However, if we’ve developed a Healthy Adult (free of C.D.s) then when the PigP acts up – it will step in, first to stop the Introject from doing any more damage, drawing the Child away from it, & work on correcting its Toxic Beliefs. Then the A. can make space for the Good Parent to comfort the abused Child

c. ACCOUNTING Mode is part of the ADULT (A.) – the only E.S. that gives the ability to actually solve problems which can not be successfully done by either the P. or C. This is because when trying to correct things from those 2 states, the problems keep coming back.

In the present, the A. makes balanced choices & decisions, based on stored info from a wide range of reality-experience, rather than from dysfunction.
To have a rounded view & consider future actions, potential outcomes are weighed against the reactions of Healthy Parent & Healthy Child, as well as real-world consequences  (MORE…. re. Accounting – scroll way down)

Accounting Mode interacts with other E.S. without energy blockages. When it’s available & stable (uncontaminated by PigP or WIC), we operate appropriately in the here-&-now, having absorbed any positive parts of our Historic Parent & Archaic Child experiences. This allows us to choose which mode to draw from, depending on the current situation, without regressing into either negative Historic or Archaic states.

NEXT: ADULT Ego States (Part 2)

Ego States – SUMMARY

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e.s. summaryBOSSY, RATIONAL or FLAKY

Which E.S. do you present to the world?

PREVIOUS: Process – Recovery – #2

WATCH: On YouTube – TA, Ego-states 1, 2 & 3

SITEs: ‘EgoGrams‘ in couples counseling
“EgoGrams” – Graphs of Professions  Using the 5 ego states

EGO STATES: “The hypothesis that there are several different, coherent functions of the ego that find a parallel in brain structures are shown in the findings of neuro-anatomists & evolutionary psychologists, who refer to them as ‘mind modules’.

Mind modules are structures that specialize in certain functions such as attachment, emotions, empathy, language, movement….. Research has presented a great deal of corroborative material, especially where the are 3 major mind modules parallel the 3 ego states.

One ego state – the rational Adult – is a well-validated function that can be found in the human prefrontal lobe” (MORE….)

Some CHARACTERISTICS
5 ego states
AT OUR BEST
The Intelligent Heart (IH) schematic 🔽, developed by Dr. Frohlich, combines models by Freud, Jung & Berne, shows the underlying energy-flows similar to parts of NLP.
Included are our spiritual underpinnings, the essential energetic elements in all forms of communication. This is based on solid research data showing the psychological & neuro-physiological effects, given a spiritual perspective. (MORE…..)

HANDS represent the neurological functions of each side of the brain
Right hemisphere – corresponding to the left side of the body, provides the imagery, musical & artistic capacity.
ALSO higher consciousness & actual experienced spirituality
Left – in charge of the right side, provides structured & analytical thought processes, ie. mental concepts (the dogma).

ENERGY POSITIONS
1. Universal Wisdom of Love
It’s the personal experience of connecting to a Higher Power / Spiritual Source, either part of or separate from a Religion. The spiritual realm is the overall framework of life, uniting all things in the universe, putting our personal experiences in a bigger context, which allows us to broaden or change our perspective
(CHART & Story by Claude Steiner : “Warm Fuzzies & Cold Pricklies“

#1 CONNECTS TO :
2a. Nurturing Parent (NP) – “Mother-Father energy channel“ which internalized positive parental messages (good Introjects), including those from other healthy figures (relatives, friends, teachers, neighbors…..). It provides nurturing to oneself & others, based on reality check from the R.A. (#4). “I can put myself in someone’s else’s shoes, while recognizing our differences” (Integration & Differentiation)

#1 & 2 CONNECT TO :
3a. The Inner Child (IC) – authentic Self, the essential Being within every person (regardless of one’s age) – our intuition, but requires constant reality checks to not turn into paranoid fantasies).
HAS:
• a life affirming attitude towards self & others, & explores otherness
• the ability to sense the difference between love & hate
• the capacity for a  wide range of authentic Es (see post)
• curiosity & a fascination for whatever life has to offer
• a need to personally experience things, rather than follow others’ thoughts & rules

#1 also CONNECTS to :
4. Rational Adult (RA) – the capacity for logical thinking & decision-making, grounded in the present & can cooperate with others. Makes regular reality checks, knows when things make sense – or not, assumes available resources are for everyone’s benefit, & knows that together, people can achieve better results.
✦ Responsible for interfacing with the world to get our needs met AND interfering with the PigP’s connection to the AP ↓

“OUTSIDE”
2b. Pig Parent (PigP) – The Negative Introject, not always overt or verbalized. It’s OUR:
• self-persecuting, fear-based attitudes : “Mo one will ever want you, you’re stupid / ugly…. , you’re just like your mom / dad, all men are dangerous / weak…. ”.
• culturally formed prejudices, in-group/out-group thinking:”I have to be IN to belong”
• perceived / assumed need to assert power over others

3b. The Adapted Persona (AP) – starting at birth, conforming to actual or perceived reality, as an emotional survival mechanism.
• If healthy, it allows us to be ‘well-behaved’ in society
• If unhealthy (False Self) it makes us rationalize away traumatic experiences, or over-inflate our role in them, which impairs realistic appraisal of adult situations
• It included the conditioned responses to the PigP (internalized negative parental messages) : “If I sacrifice my True Self I’ll be acceptable. If I stay cute (childlike), they won’t expect to much. If I do everything right, they’ll finally approve of me…..”

NEXT: Ego States – Basics – #1

EGO STATES – Development & Trauma

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

I HAVE DIFFERENT ‘VOICES’
for different situations

PREVIOUS: ES Basics (@2)

YouTube : Transactional Analysis, Ego-states 1-3

 

DEVELOPMENT & TRAUMA
Ego States seem to develop from normal differentiation (separating general concepts into specific meaning – good vs bad….), the introjection of significant others, & a child’s reactions to trauma

According to Dan Siegel, E.S. can become fixed when a positive OR negative event is experienced repeatedly, or when a traumatic event is overwhelming. In general, they become parts of the Self, some by reacting to other people, some by internalizing them

a. Integration = Combining & incorporating previously unconnected ‘objects’ into one larger entity. Through this mental skill a child learns to group concepts together, such as combining Dog and Cat into a complex unit called ‘Animals’ //  Mother and Father becoming ‘Family’.

A healthy identity is made up of combining all conflicting reactions in Personality (needs, instincts & habits), gradually organized & then harmonized into a whole.
According to Jung, it’s the process by which the individual & collective unconscious are fused, which then becomes ‘maturity‘, & can help a person move past negative behavior patterns.

When conflicting ‘reaction tendencies’ are not resolved, the resulting internal stress will be expressed as unhealthy activity, but may be so disruptive it leads to dissociation, potentially even the disintegration of the Self into separate parts (More….)

b. Normal Differentiation = A separation of general concepts into specific meaning (opposite of Integration). Children slowly separate out their own identity from that of other family members – by having different opinions & values, while still being able to stay emotionally connected to them.
They learn to discriminate between what they like & don’t like, which become entire patterns useful for dealing with parents, teachers & playmates. Eventually it makes S & I possible. (More…..)

EXP: This mental skill helps us understand that one set of actions is appropriate during a sporting event but not at a business meeting.
If this separating process become excessive & self-defeating, it’s usually called ‘dissociation‘ – withdrawing from current reality

c. Introjection of significant others :
Children automatically accumulate groups of beliefs, emotions & behaviors from their caretakers. Some will be acceptable to their True Self, but for ACoAs, most will be harmful.
▻ If YES, the behaviors get included into their sense of identity (this is me)
▻ If NO (qualities of abusive / neglectful parents) the behavior ‘clusters’ become Inner Objects (not me) which have to be managed by creating defense mechanisms
d. Trauma
To survive overwhelming neglect, rejection & other kinds of abuse, children form internal E.S. which:
✎ end up in constant conflict (PP vs Natural Child… // PigP vs Healthy Adult //  WIC vs Natural Child…. ) OR
✎ get cut off from each other (dissociated) to save the child’s sanity

♥︎ Sadly, these choices prevent a feeling of security, & therefore the ability to extract & enjoy the best from the outside world

EXP: Healthy children can create a imaginary playmate, but eventually don’t need it, replacing it with real-life friends.
BUT a lonellonely childy, isolated child may cannibalize part of its True Self to produce such a ‘friend’, so the imaginary companion feels very real & is hard to give up. It would feel like killing a part of oneself – instead of getting re-integrated

💔 When such a child is forced to push aspects of the Self out of awareness because of conflict & environmental pressure :
☀︎ those disowned parts can eventually be channeled into Work/Career, Research, Creative expressions….. but the person will still be emotionally crippled
☀︎ but more often the result will be social awkwardness, isolation, procrastination, unfulfilled dreams
☀︎ & in a very few, this mutilation of the human soul can show up later in life in a different, more damaging form as multiple personalities. (“We, the Divided Self”, Watkins & Johnson, 1982).

❥ Watkins & Watkins, at Montana U, worked with people who had deep inner conflicts between various ego states which make up the “family of self” – using behavioral, cognitive, analytic, or humanistic methods to create a kind of internal diplomacy.
Applying their “Ego-state therapy” showed that complex psycho-dynamic problems can be resolved in a relatively short time, compared to more analytic approaches. (More….)

NEXT: Ego States – Intro (#4)

EGO STATES – Basics (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

inner child
I HAVE SEVERAL PARTS INSIDE
& I feel best when they get along!

PREVIOUS: Process, Recovery #2b

REVIEW: S & I – Healthy Individuation

▶ EGO STATES (E.S.)
• We’re all born with the potential for 3 basic personality components – Parent / Adult / Child (P.A.C.) which vary in size & importance. They show up early in life in immature form, & are supposed to keep developing throughout life.
They’re called ‘ego states’ – because whichever one we’re in at the moment we think of as ‘me’, our sense of identity (ego = Self). Each is internally consistent, having its own Thoughts, Emotions & Actions (TEA).ESs-Basic part 1

Experiences & activities from childhood become grouped into these ‘clusters’, also called the “Family of the Self” (NOT schizophrenia), which are neural pathways in the brain forged by chemical connections as a result of thinking, feeling or doing (TEA) the same thing over & over, year after year.
How well these internal parts get along among themselves – in order for the individual to function effectively – can vary greatly from person to person

These clusters contain our conscious beliefs, opinions, inner ‘voices’, attitudes… & include memories, roles, physical feelings & postures, mental rules….
They become our habitual way of responding toward ourself & the world, each cluster formed around some point of view or common ‘truth’, either healthy or not – depending on upbringing & native personality
Healthy =  P : “I protect” / A : “I get things done”/ C : “I play”

Unhealthy (P) may organize around rigid rules
“I have to rid the world of all wrong-doing / It’s my way or the highway”
Wounded (C) may base it’s sense of identity on —
“I have to be perfect to be loved / I have to hide all my needs”
Limited (A) may focus on self-importance
“I want everyone to be impressed // I have to do___ no matter what”

E.S. are conscious aspects of our psyche which we can shift in & out of – one minute acting like a kid, the next handling a problem in Adult mode…. Unlike 2 of Freud’s 3 states (superego & id), ego states are visible, making it possible to notice, value, work with & modify aspects of them, if desired. Even so, most people are not aware of having different states, much less which one they’re expressing at any given moment.

However, they can be noticed by others, just by listening to or watching how someone acts, even if they don’t know the terminology. Whichever E.S. is ‘on’ has its own reactions to events : “Boy, is he being a brat!”(C),  “You’re not the boss of me! “(PigP), “Yes, your suggestion is workable” (A)

🔴 General rule: Most people you deal with are either coming from their Wounded Child (WIC) or Negative Parent (PP) ego state

NORMAL – Childhood parts become integrated into a larger whole, with the Healthy Adult in charge. They work well together internally, partly because they include Adaptive Introjects of caring, supportive caretakers & teachers, as healthy role models.

This allows such people to function successfully in the world because they :
• act in appropriate, productive ways
• experience & manage a full range of Es
• have flexible rather than rigid thinking
• hold positive beliefs about Self & the world
• live in the present (instead of all in the past or all in the future)

HEALTHY ego states form in childhood in response to positive, affirming relationships within a family that’s loving & able to connect to the child in all 4 PMES ways (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual)

EXP of a mature internal dialogue
Healthy ADULT: “Hmmm, it’s Saturday. I want my place to look, feel & smell nice, so I’m going to clean today”
Playful younger CHILD: “NOOO, I want to play. I want to go to a movie with my friends & have fun!”

Loving PARENT: “I know little one, but the place is not in good shape right now, & you know how much better you feel here when it’s all clean & fresh.
We can do something you like tomorrow, & then we’ll have even more fun knowing we’re coming back to a nice clean home”
Older CHILD : “Ugh! I know you’re right & I won’t stop you, but you’d better keep your promise!”

NEXT: Ego States – basics (Part 2)

PROCESS – Recovery (Part 2b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

good lifeRIGHT ACTION
makes life easier

PREVIOUS: PROCESS – (#1)

Posts: “Toxic Beliefs” // “Risk”
“Why Are You Stuck?”

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

BOOKs:  “Recycles of Power” & “Cycles of life”, ~ Pam Levin

REVIEW: ‘Emotional processing happens when we can cope with distressing events – over time, so that new experiences can occur (stressful or not) without a return to the previous upset. Everyone goes through things that cause pain, but for most people those emotions don’t last.

Why do some look at a situation without fear while others are gripped by a fear or anxiety so strong they are paralyzed? Scientific research has identified  the cause as cognitive-emotional processing, in which both feelings regarding the incident and thought processes were involved — not just an overly emotional response or a lack of normal emotional processing ability.’ (“Anxiety & T.E.A.“) feed the mind
🌺
HEALTHY PROCESS  (2a cont)
a. Awareness  //  b. Acceptance

c. ACTIONS
i. WHAT – Present-day behavior patterns are :
• based on how the real world works & our many experiences
• motivated by self-respect & permission to act on our own behalf
• the result of S & I – taking center stage in our own life
• considering our effect on others, without being co-dependent

ii. HOW
• always looking for possible, appropriate options
• asking for, gathering & using a variety of help
• considering realistic consequences
• learning by trial & error, & never giving up
• taking appropriate risks, then observing the results

iii. WHO – Definitely by the “UNIT”
• Healthy Adult – the competent, objective part of us that has accumulated knowledge & experience about ourself & the world
• Loving Parent – the mature care-taking part of us that has both kindness & boundaries, patience & limits, compassionate but realistic

vi. ABOUT
• acting on our needs & in accordance with spiritual beliefs
• always give ourselves & others enough time to get things done
• it’s based on sound planning, & knowing our current limitations
• choose activities that are pleasurable but not self-destructive
• consider both the ‘price’ & rewards of our actions
• do things for our own growth, not just for others

• know timing – don’t force or try to control but don’t wait too long, don’t try to do too much at the same time or schedule things too close together
• NOT use activities to cover up self-hate, loneliness, avtimingoiding painful emotions & relationship difficulties
• some actions need to be repeated many times, to be effective
• sometimes NO action is the best option
• stop to decide what to say or do, before ‘jumping’ (not reacting)
🌺

RECOVERY – 2 major ways to change our actions:
1. Do the opposite of our old behavior patterns (“Actions: Healthy Opposites” post). The trick is knowing what rational, healthy opposites are

2. Doing the same activity for an opposite reason.
The basic issue here is motive. This is even trickier, unless we are clear what our reasons are for taking actions. And, others may not understand, so some people will give us a hard time, or walk away frustrated & disgusted

EXP:  We may repeat an old behavior : staying in bed a lot, sleeping longer than usual, spending more time alone than with others (assuming we’re not physically ill), eating ‘family type’ foods
a. Old Motivation: To escape, to not feel old pain, not deal with difficult life situations, fear of ‘people, places & things’

b. Healthy Motivation (same action, new reason)
self growth• to recover from re-experiencing deep emotional trauma (childhood pain)
• to process a major stressor in the present (death, divorce, moving, marriage, a baby, new job, a fire…), when too many things are happening at once, especially if we have no control over those events
• recover from Introject attacks – because we’re doing so well (back lash)
• catch up on a lot of positive, new input – internally or externally
• resting up after a big event (wedding, surgery, travel….)

➼ Also: IF we can NOT take some positive actions we would like to. YET – we can practice patience – keep working at it & never give up!

NEXT: Ego States – Summary