SITE : Will they ever change?
WHAT NOT to do with Ns (cont)
✋🏼DO NOT assume shared values
BECAUSE if you do – you’l be constantly confused. “Why did they do this or say that?” You can not use rational thinking & normal social rules to understand Ns. They operate from a different world view, & accepting that is the only way to deal with them
✋🏼 DO NOT not give or receive money
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll always get screwed. That includes:
– depending on them, accepting financial ‘help’ or moving in together
– not making large purchases together, accepting large gifts
– signing contracts, such as a lease or business venture
– not getting a pet or having children with them, if possible
There is no such thing as a ‘free lunch’ with an abuser. ANY financial (& emotional) ties to a N will only work against you in the long run. You’ll be the one paying, in more ways than one (POST: “N’s Financial abuses“)
✋🏼 DO NOT expect loyalty
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll be continually disappointed & hopeless. Normals are stunned at how quickly & easily Ns dump a friend, lover…. when they’re not getting ‘fed’. Their shaky sense of self gives their needs a life-or-death quality, so they have to move on to a new supply (person) – fast. Ns use language as tools & weapons rather than to tell the truth. When they expressed undying love & faithfulness, they were lying.
✋🏼 DO NOT keep falling for their lines
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll end up trapped in The Matrix or Westworld. Notice how they say the same things over & over – about everything – even using the exact same words, like it’s on a disk!
You keep hoping you’ll get back to those early glory days when you were soooo happy with the N. But since that was a con job, it won’t. However, if you start getting wise & pulling away they’ll temporarily revert to an earlier charming ploy. If that doesn’t work they may rage.
✋🏼 DO NOT accept their false accusations
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll become more & more depressed, isolated, self-hating, even paranoid. Their lies are often said behind your back, to your boss, with friends, even family, & especially to your children. Ns are emotionally dyslexic – shamelessly accusing you of traits they know they’re guilty of. They need to make you think you’re wrong & they’re perfect.
✋🏼 DO NOT ask them for help in a crisis
BECAUSE if you do – you’re sure to be let down. It’s not unusual to hear horror stories from survivors callously abandoned or bullied by their N during the worst moments of their lives, in times of grief, loss or life-threatening illness.
A variation is Narcissistic Ghosting, when a N promises to help with a project or difficulty, but never shows up nor texts to cancel. Later they act as if nothing bad happened.
✋🏼 DO NOT let them confront you, without you having documentation
BECAUSE Ns are really great at talking in circles, lying, changing the subject & reciting all your faults & mistakes –
but NEVER any of their own, so they come out smelling like a rose – to anyone who doesn’t know them.
Situations you need proof for can include years of private manipulation, business & personal negotiation, physical & sexual abuse, harassment or stalking.
Documentation is imperative if you’re going to bring a legal case against an abuser, or to resist their gaslighting & hoovering attempts. Don’t take phone calls, sticking to e-mail, text or voicemail, but in-person meetings should always include bringing someone trustworthy with you as witness.
NEXT: DON’Ts – #4