Overt Ns – themselves (#1)
POST: Passive-aggressive COMMENTS (long list)
All Narcissists (Ns) are developmentally stunted. Many are secretly mired in self-loathing, & under their bravado lurks humiliation, insecurity, shame & extreme vulnerability.
To protect their deeply wounded core, early on they spun a cocoon around their heart & mind – a dense outer shell of false power with the goal of never being hurt – again! (Think inside Daleks)
*️⃣ However, there are some Ns who are absolutely sure they’re unassailable. There is no inner conflict, because they’re sure of their ‘rightness’. (Think Cyberman)
SAM VAKNIN, an Israeli writer & scientist, speculates that these Ns are not hiding a vulnerable core but are constitutionally defective, & therefore not curable. There’re no way to crack that wall (think Tony Soprano) & any attempt at getting them to understand their psychopathy ends in failure.
Perhaps they’re born missing a fundamental aspect of humanity – the ability to empathize with another. All of their socially acceptable interactions are therefore a complicated & clever imitation of what they observe in ‘normals’. This ability is used to keep others connected in order to ‘feed’ off of them.
Vaknin developed a new treatment dubbed “Cold Therapy”, which uses re-traumatization & reframing. It’s based on identifying pathological narcissism as a form of Complex PTSD & arrested personality development.
MAIN CAUSE: A parent who both ignored & ‘adored’ them
According to Freud, a combination of parental rejection & excessive admiration is strongly linked to adult N. The caregiver‘s inconsistent whiplash of indiscriminate praise alternating with coldness & rejection – eventually cause the child to exist in a perpetual state of insecurity. This coalesces into a deep craving for admiration, but with a distrust of any praise received, leading to a life of searching for fleeting ego boosts from others, which fall into a bottomless pit.
This accounts for the paradox noted by psychologist Robert Emmons (1984): Ns simultaneously devalue others while needing their admiration. German psychologist Mitja D. Back ‘solved’ the paradox:
Ns pick people who help to keep their high positive self-image going, while intentionally avoiding or putting down anyone who would give them a harsh dose of reality.
For all Ns, their mantra (blatant or subtle) is CONTROL! CONTROL!
I must be in CONTROL of everything!
Re. THEMSELVES (Ns) — THEY:
◆ don’t like to admit having emotions
N or not, everyone has emotions (except psychopaths). They have feelings for themselves (anger when snubbed, pleasure when pampered….), but not toward others, & will proudly say: “I’m not sensitive!”. EXACTLY
Letting any emotion show makes Ns vulnerable – it means someone or something can effect them, which challenges their sense of total autonomy, therefore being out of control. They’ll abruptly change the topic when someone tries to engage them in talking about emotions : “So, what about this weather / the game / this food…??”.
Ironically – they believe their every emotion is deeply important & valid, AND that everyone else is ‘over-reacting’ when they express feelings – which the N considers obscene
◆ don’t have emotional empathy
Through the use of cognitive empathy (in their head), they spent their entire lives observing the emotional language of other people & using it to their advantage.
Ns can recognize & react to the suffering of others, but ignore it. They can withhold an empathic response (comment or action) –
to control a partner, creating attachment anxiety =. abandonment fear
to get something by manipulation, or
to gain power, by exploiting an awareness of someone’s emotional state.
Their secret is that they’re not actually feeling with you – your emotions are a blank wall to them. This allows them to say & do horrible things to others without genuine remorse.(EMPATHY & types)
Your secret : If you talk only using facts instead of emotion words, they intuitively understand they have less of an upper hand!
No sympathy: Ns are the ones who laugh while everyone else cries at sad movies. They can fake ‘caring’, but aren’t actually interested in your emotions, even if you just went through a recent illness, divorce or death of parent / beloved pet…. They’re sooo tired of hearing about your troubles, even though you’ve barely mentioned them!
(Sympathy: Feel for you / Empathy – feel with you)
NEXT: Overt Ns, re. themselves (#2)