SYMPTOMS of Co-dep ANGER – in us

angry cat on faceI DIDN’T REALIZE
the damage I’ve caused myself

PREVIOUS: Issues for Secretly-A.

SITE: ‘”Shame & Anger in Chronic Shyness”

See ACRONYM page fr abbrev.


• All of the characteristics listed are most likely combined with anxiety, fear, depression &/or with a mental or physical illness, menopause, genetic inheritance ….. which can be checked out medically

• If you identify with many of the behaviors & attitudes in this post & the next (‘toward others’), they’re likely to be:
— copies of what we heard & saw growing up, since we carry an Introject in the form of the Bad Parent voice, which we use on ourselves and on others
— the defensive ways we developed to cope with childhood stress

• These now express our self-hate, fear of abandonment, hidden suicidal wishes, how we placate people we’re afraid of, & try to get approval from people we’re afraid of loosing

Our PHYSICAL Symptoms
CHRONIC Complaints & Ailments, including hereditary weakness which get activated from long-term stress & rage-suppression
✔︎ Lethargy – trouble w/ sleep, drowsy at inappropriate times, always tired, feel ‘heavy’, hold body stiffly, frequent sighing, brain fogemotion-pain-body

✔︎ Illnesses – real, chronic or sequential = heart problems, obesity, ulcers, constipation, headaches, back & joint stiffness or  pain, frequent colds, auto-immune diseases, asthma, knot in your stomach or tightness in your throat

✔︎ Addictions – any type of substance abuse, food sensitivity…
✔︎ Neglect – avoid self-care & appropriate medical attention, get burnt out from over-doing for others,  can’t rest/vegg

✔︎ Systemic – muscle tension, poor memory, often distracted, loss of appetite or gorging on sweets
✔︎ Self-Harm – nail-biting, chewing inside of mouth, picking at skin, pulling out hair, head banging, cutting, often bumping into things

Our EMOTIONAL Symptoms
✔︎ Depression – (for no immediate or visible reason) low-grade but constant, boredom, loss of interest in things once enjoyed. Sulk, withdraw, pout, threaten or try suicide.  Exhaustion, burn-out from suppressing Es

✔︎ Anxiety – panic attacks, excessive irritability, impatience, can feel sad, scared, hurt – but never angry, other emotions more intense from pushing down anger, obsessive worry, fear of being alone but also of being dependent (“I hate you, Don’t leave me.”)

✔︎ Low self-esteem – trouble accepting yourself and others, blame self for harm that other do to you, feel unworthy of anything good, mentally beat self up all the time (rage turned inward)

✔︎ Superiority – feel ‘spiritual’, in control, better than – for never being angry, self-sacrificing martyr, the ‘good one’, control freak, know-it-all, everyone’s friend, helper, rescuer, center of attention

✔︎ Inappropriate Affect –  Mood swings, smiling while hurting or feeling angry, laughing when telling about your abuse & neglect, too calm – not angry but also not joyful, can have an explosive reaction – altho very rare – that’s out of proportion – so it scares others, always nice to people who regularly hurt you insecure /anxious

Our ATTITUDE Symptoms
• feel misunderstood & unappreciated
• often complain about, envy & resent those more fortunate
• are over-sensitive to criticism & afraid of any rejection
• afraid of competition & being seen as less than ‘perfect’
• act out self-sabotage & have a deprivation mentality
• keep a stiff upper lip, act as if you don’t need anyone
let others infringe on your rights & take advantage, but then complain bitterly
• lack of ambition or motivation (can be from depression)
• pretend something doesn’t matter when inside it does

• over-controlled/ monotone voice, or too loud & sharp
• constantly apologize, over-polite, over=helpful
• gossipy, two-faced, patronizing, sarcastic, complaining, flippant
• resist or have trouble talking about yourself, talk about issues/interests rather than personal thoughts & emotions
have weak or no boundaries, afraid to say NO, both to abuse & to things you simply don’t like or want

• busy all the time to avoid emotions, minding everyone else’s business, rush from one thing to the next – OR –
• procrastinating – both for tasks imposed by others,  AND things we say we want to do for ourselves, OR
habitual lateness, unreliable, unpredictable, don’t keep your word
• visibly ambivalent, indecisive, start in one direction & then shift into another without finishing the first
• financially lazy or irresponsible – under-earn, don’t focus on own talents
• compulsive debting – credit cards, chronic / borrowing, not repaying
• won’t plan for your financial future, worry @ $$ but hope for ‘magic fixes’

NEXT: Symptoms – hidden anger toward others

6 thoughts on “SYMPTOMS of Co-dep ANGER – in us

  1. I’m continuing to learn from these posts. The biggest thing I learnt today was the fact that fear and anger are opposites. I’ve heard that when one does not run away or fight anxiety and instead is present to it, something new is able to emerge. As it is an ‘uncomfortable’ state, it is so easy not to stay with ‘fear’.
    I’m in a situation where I give low grade help to three elderly parents who live nearby who have health issues. I sometimes get into a dilemna as to when to help and when not too, asking myself when does my help come from not wanting to be abandoned and when is it genuine. My thought is that as long as I am aware that these are real issues, and go with the flow (and not overly try), I’m doing what I feel I need and want to do. Maybe noticing my bodily reactions in those situations is helpful. If I am tight and constricted, maybe my body is telling me that I need to back away a little.
    These are just thoughts…


    • Anne-Marie,
      Yes – listen to you body, & when there’s a conflict between you healthy adult &
      the wounded child, the adult decides what’s best for your growth & mental health.
      Also you could review the posts: ‘Rescuing’ and ‘Healthy Helping’.
      Let me know if they apply to your circumstance.


  2. I concentrated on ‘Healthy Helping’. It applies to my circumstances as there are basic questions there which I can ask of myself. I like the bottom line, ‘Always take care of yourself first and listen to your gut.’ I have set inner boundaries in place and I have been learning to say what I think and feel a lot more, and at times I feel ‘harsh’.

    At these times, I can easily slip into self-hate for I feel helpless and sometimes frustrated in the face of suffering as well as concern for myself. Yes, there are times when I do things which I really don’t want to do but I can see it is a relatively minor task, and the help – ee is incapable of doing it.

    I have noticed on the part of the help – ees make some attempts to help themselves, which has encouraged me. There is also, at times, a big reluctance on their part to ask me to do anything more. It is early days, and I hope and pray that I am truly wise and loving in the best sense of the word.


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