I’M SO CONFUSED! Which one do I do?
PREVIOUS: Issues for co-deps, #1
SITE: ANGER is the KEY – not love!
SHOW ANGER INDIRECTLY
– See Symptoms in Us and Toward Others
COVER-UPS (Defensive Styles)
a. Avoider: Never lets others see their anger, or see them “sweat”
b. Container : Knows they’re angry but holds it in, hoping it’ll blow over
c. Denier: They are so suppressed they don’t feel anything
d. Helper – with strings
• they do & give too much: time, energy, worry, $$, gifts
• only have sympathy for underdogs, listen to everyone’s woes
• always worried, too involved with/concerned for anyone who is suffering
e. Internalizer: Full of S-H, they blame themselves for anything unpleasant that happens to them, absorbing the anger they really feels toward others
f. Rejecter: They grew up around verbal & physical rage, which was painful & terrifying, so now they’re determined never to get let themselves get angry
g. Self-Blamer: They’re used to being condemned for everything that goes wrong, so they assume the worst about themselves, living with guilt & depression
h. Shocker: Swinging from silence to attack, they hold all their anger in for so long that it finally explodes, unexpectedly, usually at anyone less powerful
i. Stuffer: As children they had to stuff anger at abusive & neglectful parents, & feel guilty for still being angry at them, especially if a parent now wants to be ‘friends’!
• they have weak boundaries, never ask for own needs, suffer in silence
• have fear of authority, tolerate many indignities, only do what others want
k. Underhander: They deny being angry because they see it as an ugly trait & want to avoid push-back. But then they take it out on others: the wife & kids, the passing cab, the store clerk, the dog….. (MORE….)
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From Human Synergistics Int.- the Circumflex with 1 adaptive vs. non-adaptive styles is used in business to show help companies improve functioning. Their framework can also be applied to individuals as well.
📈🔑 Consider the “Leader”as yourself, & the “Culture” as the PPT you choose to surround yourself with. The difference between the Constructive vs other 2 is márked.
Position #3 Approval – Tying one’s self-worth to being liked & accepted by others. Too much – try very hard to please others, make good impressions, be agreeable & obedient (‘simple’ Co-Dep type)
#4 Conventional – Preoccupied with conforming / blending in with the environment to avoid attention. Too much: rely on set routines & procedures, keeping the status quo, wanting every part of life to be secure, predictable
#5 Dependent – need for self-protection, believing they have little direct or personal control over important events. Too much: let others make decisions for them, depend too much on others for help, & willingly obey orders
#6 Avoidance – have anxiety, a strong need for self-protection, & a tendency to withdraw from threatening situations. Too much: they play it safe, minimize risks, shy away from conversations or group activities, are indecisive & non-committal in most situations
#7 Oppositional – great need for security seen by questioning & being cynical. Criticism is use to get attention & blame is used to deflect mistakes
#8 Power – need for prestige & influence, using control to bolster self-image. Too much: dictate (not guide) others’ actions, try to run everything themselves, treat others with aggression & force
#9 Competitive – need to protect their status by comparing self to others, outperforming them, & never seeming to lose. Too much: look for recognition & praise from others, see even non-competitive situations as contests or challenges, & keep a sense of superiority
#10 Perfectionistic – need to always get flawless results, avoid failure, equate self-worth with reaching unreasonably high standards. Too much: preoccupied with details, making excessive demands on self & others, show impatience, frustration & indifference toward others’ needs or feelings
CHART Segments – click on “CONSTRUCTIVE” third & the 3 outer rings
Also read: ‘Excuses’ & Comments
NEXT: SYMPTOMS of Hidden Anger (#1)
2 thoughts on “ISSUES for Angry ‘Nice’ People (Part 2)”
Hello, I find all this information this time confusing like a wall of words – I am thinking I am an avoidant, no, no, a passive, not really, may be in denial, oh hell, I am probably all of them at times, and really no one most of the time.
May be I have internal conflict trying to fit in and then wanting to stay out – Peter.
Thanks for writing. I understand the confusion. We can use different strategies in different situations. But it’s OK to not be sure.