I’LL GET YOU
if it’s the last thing I do!
SITE: “Violent Communication“ & child abuse…..
3. OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
We suppress expressions of anger when we avoid dealing with any situation that severely upsets us. The underlying belief is that “I must never make anyone else uncomfortable, disappointed or displeased…. but it’s perfectly acceptable if I am”
This shows up as being emotionally dishonest, anxious, helpless, invisible, manipulated
💭 Passives (as victims) – let others choose for us, are inhibited, self-denying, always on the losing end of win-lose, only accidentally or indirectly get what we want
🔻The Passive’s assumption is that their self-denial will produce the result they deeply desire – by being totally inoffensive – everyone will approve of & want to be with them.
√ Their rights are continually violated, while everyone else achieves their goals – at the victim’s expense
√ Other people will eventually become frustrated with the Passive’s wishy-washy-ness, costing them respect & credibility
√ They’re never fully trusted because no one can tell where they stand. Others may feel guilt or superiority – for taking advantage of that weakness
Passives’ constant disappointment generates a lot of anger, which has to stay hidden. However it can also show up, indirectly as being resentful, holding a grudge, spreading nasty rumors, turning a cold-shoulder……
Rebellion in teens is a ‘normal’ stage of development, not automatically an indictment of their parents’ personalities or way of life. The need is to separate & individuate (S & I) from the adults, in order to develop their own Identity. It does not have to be severe or destructive.
In relatively healthy families it most often shows up as contrariness – constant disagreements with parental mores & points of view. Anger at family restrictions is a way to form necessary boundaries.
If allowed to run it’s course, young people will eventually settle into a way of life that suits them & may actually end up agreeing with the family in some basic respects.
• However, in dysfunctional/ abusive families, any disagreement is seen as a threat to the whole fabric of the system (see Family Mobile)
While one or more children will become the ‘good boy or girl”, at least one other may become the rebellious, angry ‘difficult’ one.
Such children are continually punished or turned into the family scapegoat (not the same as the Scapegoat Toxic Role). It makes sense then that this child will conclude that “No one cares about me, everyone thinks I’m bad – so I might as well be bad”!
As adults – Rebellious anger is most often directed at any form of authority – being sullen & withdrawn or openly defiant, joining up with other unhappy peers, & show up in all kinds of anti-social behavior. It’s projected rage onto others which we feel about our family’s incompetence, neglect & abuse.
RETALIATORY / revenge anger
This is another very dangerous type of anger – a primitive, destructive, violent response to a personal insult, injury or humiliation from others. It can surface as a direct response to someone else lashing out at us, but our intuitive ‘logic’ about wanting revenge is often twisted, conflicted & small-minded
Sometimes the trigger is a real-world situation, other times it’s only a perceived wrong. Either way the intensity of our reaction will dependent on how much a current event reminds us of childhood hurts & disappointments. Revenge-actions include being over-harsh, refusing to forgive & forget, bringing up hurtful memories from the past….
Anger + Violence = REVENGE
👹 Using ‘Violent Communication‘ toward bullies / intimidators can easily make them switch to the Revenge cycle, so the punishment doled out to the ‘Enemy’ (you) continues to grow.
Anger & Revenge only encourages the problem, perpetuating the cycle of violence. No matter how much we want justice or pay-back, the cycle always ends in one person being a Victim. It never leads to a resolution. (SITE: “R – will it make you feel better?“).
INTERESTING: Complete outline of Hamlet’s Revenges
NEXT: Anger categories #13