PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 5)
BOOK: “Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard” ~ Chip & Dan Heath (review…..)
BDs, created by DMs, are like being called over to someone who is crooking their index finger, meaning “Come to me, my darling,” – but when you get there they slap your face.
Or being told, “Darling, tell me how you feel,” but then when you do, they sarcastically sneer that you’re being dramatic, hateful, over-sensitive, crazy, ridiculous, immature…. (More…..)
IMPERATIVE : We can not afford to mentally blank out when dealing with controlling, narcissistic, double-binding people – which is what the WIC does when terrified & trying to disappear.
It will make a big difference to your well-being if you stay awake for how you feel around people who do the come-here-go-away dance or give other kinds of DMs.
Identifying the specific D.Messages you’ve been getting is necessary so you know what you’re dealing with, & then figure a way out.
If one specific person you’re around is a S, you’re probably angry a lot of the time, but may not recognize it as that specific emotion. And underneath the anger – you’re really scared of displeasing or losing them – whether you can feel that deeper layer or not.
VERBALIZE what’s going on. You’re only in a full Double Bind while the contradictory statements you’ve been subjected to remain unconscious. Once they’re articulated, they lose their force. Questioning AND objecting to the contradictions, & getting external support, can often help with our own internal distorted beliefs
EXP of self-hating D.Message (More….. ) Also DM Part 7b)
a. Having many PTSD symptoms means I’m broken, worthless -AND-
b. Admitting to only a few symptoms means the abuse wasn’t that bad
c. I’m not supposed to notice what really happened, or help myself out of it
CHART: Use for your own DBs, to to figure out those imposed on you by another person or institution. 📕 Expand & add columns as needed
Re. RESULTS: Internally – what’s already happened
Externally: what you fear will happen
Re. OPTIONS: The one best suited to your personality & circumstances
Final RESULTS – of your choice, in T.E.A. terms
Fill in columns for each part of the Double/Triple BIND you’re in, in as much detail as you can. DO a little, then add as you figure more out. Include:
◆ (A,B,C) Conflicting commands & Consequences, from you or others
◆ Blatant & subtle Punishments
◆ Any attempts to unhook yourself, successful or not
◆ What happened – in you or from others / overall outcome
◆ If still stuck, why you’re still in it (internal reasons)….
“Step Away from DBs“ and post “Negative Benefits”
• Since DBs are often stacked together, it’s necessary to unravel them statement by statement – like parsing a sentence. See how many parts you can identify in the following abusive, distorted manipulative communications:
EXP – Toxic Parent to actual Child
“Now you want my help! Hah! I never got into this kind of trouble when I was a kid. Surprise me by doing something right for a change, I’d like that!”
“You should be ashamed of yourself. Listen to me, you’ve got to take control over your life. Stop questioning what I tell you. I’ve been around a lot longer than you have, you know.”
EXP – Authority to ‘Problem’ Person
“You have to accept that you are X (mentally ill, addict, out-of-control, raging, self-destructive…) before we can help you. We’re only doing this for your own good, out of love and compassion for you, even though you are X (the label).”
“When you say that we have the problem, that we are doing this to suit ourselves because we don’t like the way you are, it only proves that you are indeed X (the label)”
NEXT: DBs, Starting Part 6b