ACoAs Being Controlled (Part 5)

& it’s all your fault!

PREVIOUS: Getting controlled (Part 3)

SITE: 9 Ways We Set Ourselves Up To Be Controlled in Relationships

BOOK: Confessions of an Abandoned Child ~ Curtrina Pharr

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

Negative STATES causing loss of Control
a. In Bondage / losing independence
Accepting unwanted situations, tied down against our will, addicted & enslaved, submitting to another, be obsessed, be controlled
b. Focusing on the Material / only aware of the physical
Caught up in appearances, getting & spending, over-indulging the senseshopeless, forgetting the Spiritual

c. Ignorance / being unaware & staying in it
Operate within a narrow range, choose to stay in the dark, be taken in by appearances, live in deprivation, fear the unknown
d. Feeling Hopeless / lack faith
Believe the worst, see the world as ‘cold ’, think negatively, despair, doubt, predict a bleak future  (More…..)

🎯 WHO / WHAT we LET Control us (cont)

Sphone fatigue

You’re being controlled (or Over-C) WHEN you STAY:
on the phone, or with someone you want to get away from
• in any location or event you’d rather not be at (or hate)
• in any relationship, job, home…. way too long
• with someone – when you’d rather be alone, need to rest, or be doing something else, and/or

• buy or eat things the other person wants you to, but you don’t like
• spend a lot of time worrying about someone else
• try to be something you’re not, or do things others want – out of guilt
• keep believing a proven liar, keep depending on someone who is always unreliable
• keep seeing mates or friends who are totally focused on themselves, never on you
• go out with someone because they want you to, or from loneliness
• let other invade your boundaries or say mean things, without objecting
• endlessly listen to someone’s dumping, in too much pain, demanding, needy, abusive – just using you….bad date
• pay for things only to please another (not from love but from FoA)
• take care of very damaged people who need much more help than you can give them, because it makes you feel ‘important’, needed, less worthless….
• feel sorry for others instead of yourself

You’re with a Controller (C.) anywhere – IF YOU:
are given the ‘silent-treatment’ as punishment
• firmly state a boundary about something, & the C. ignores it completely
• feel like you’re losing it, because the C has systematically isolated you, to make you only be, do & think the way they want
• have lost friends because the C. complained about or refused to let you see them
• friends or family see a change in you when you’re with the C.
• feel depressed & physically drained much of the time
• feel suffocated by the C being needy, over-protective or intrusive
• feel ‘less than’, ignorant, belittled or hopeless when you’re with the C.
• eventually ‘shut down’ and ‘give in’ rather than stick to your point of view, try being heard or takdepresseden seriously
• hide or run away from problems with the C. because you feel too weak to confront & stand up to them
• end up feeling guilty all the time but don’t know why
✶ are being told by the C. that what you’re feeling – anger, fear, frustration – are from your ‘issues’, that you’re causing it, you’re over-reacting…. (denying what they ARE doing!)

• worry about the C’s reaction before you make a decision
• tend to ‘go along with things’ to avoid conflicts with the C
• are accused of being boring now because : “You used to be so much fun, more interesting & outgoing…. you just follow whatever I say”

• always second-guess yourself, from actually being criticized, undermined or corrected
✶ Are often told the C. is not ‘doing anything to you’, but rather that you’re choosing to do or be what the C. wants! (Cs take NO responsibility for their manipulations!)
• feel you’ve lost your vision & are willing to compromise your values to try to please them
• are constantly judged & accused of being bad, using a spiritual or religious dogma as ‘proof’

NEXT: Responding to Controllers

5 thoughts on “ACoAs Being Controlled (Part 5)

  1. Thank you for these posts during the holidays, they are very timely. An emotion I experience when I have found myself around a “C” person too long is a numb, depersonalized feeling. I often feel that when I try to stand up for myself I feel I need to do it in a “perfect” way. This has caused me to capitulate in the past. I’m working on realizing that standing up for myself is a new skill for me and like any new skill won’t be perfect, in fact doesn’t have to be perfect.


    • Awareness is great – it motivates us to change. But I think ‘perfect’ should be used very sparingly, & never applied to ourselves, since humans cannot be perfect. Next 2 posts will be about how to respond to Cs!


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