IT’S UP TO ME TO SET MY LIMITS
it’s up to others to honor or ignore them
PREVIOUS: Setting Healthy Bs (Part 1)
1. FOR YOURSELF (Part 1)
2. IN RELATION TO OTHERS (cont)
DEVELOPING Healthy Boundaries (cont)
i. Don’t punish others if they’ve forgotten your requirements. In general, consequences should simply be an inevitable outcome of the choices we make. Outcomes may or may not feel like punishment to the B violator – depending on how intensely they’re still run by their WIC.
• If you feel a strong urge to punish someone for ignoring your requests, it would be best to work on yourself before talking to them again. It means that while they’re indeed ‘stepping on your toes’, you may have let it go on too long. or be taking it too personally.
Persistent B violators act like that with everyone, or anyone who will let them! Do rage work in private, share about it in Al-Anon & therapy, pray for patience, & talk or write to your Inner Child. Then remind the other person again OR just tell them they’ve crossed the line for the last time!
j. Make a plan of action for when someone severely violates your Bs (& somebody will!):
a. Tell them what you don’t like about their behavior – be specific. If you’ve already talked to them about it, refer back to that conversation
b. If it applies – ask they to stop immediately. If they don’t, then you can….
c. ….strongly Demand that they stop, & ask for help from others if necessary, especially if you feel endangered. Walk away with as much dignity as possible, without sarcasm or nasty get-even comments
💗 Thank anyone who honors your boundaries
• You can not set Bs AND take care of someone else’s needs! They’re mutually exclusive
• It’s best to talk to a Violator from your ADULT, but sometimes you:
— may need to get angry, to get past your resistance, because it’s so hard for ACoAs to stand up for ourselves. Anger makes us feel less vulnerable when we’re afraid
— will inevitably get frustrated & annoyed with someone you love & don’t want to leave, but who is being a pain in the neck
— know there are people who will only pay attention when you get ‘heavy’, but getting Adult-angry is not the same as being nasty (from the WIC or PP)
✶ Avoid justifying yourself, rationalizing your needs or apologizing – which sounds like you don’t believe what you’re saying – so Violators won’t take you seriously either. Offer a brief explanation if it’s appropriate & you feel ok doing it. It’s hard to be genuinely intimate with someone if you don’t tell them what’s bothering or hurting you
• At first you may feel afraid, ashamed or guilty when setting a Bs with someone, which may stop you from speaking up.
— Do it anyway, even if it’s the next time you see them – because it’s our job to let others know, & some people don’t realize they’re trespassing
— Also, people don’t respect someone they can use, manipulate or control, even tho they try to get away with it
• When you feel angry, rageful, whiny, complaining, threatened, suffocated, victimized ….. it’s the pain of not having your Bs respected. These emotions are like flashing red lights telling you something’s wrong – the things you don’t like, can’t stand or hate. They’re indicators you have to say something or change something
• Be prepared for opposition, resistance, anger, attacks. Violators don’t like being reined in. Don’t let their reactions make you doubt your rights! Remember 2-yr olds’ tantrums when they don’t get their way. You have to be ready to enforce your needs, otherwise people will simply ignore you
• The main prerequisite for good boundary setting is believing you have a right to them! When you’re sure, it will be clear to others even when you don’t say anything, AND fewer B-invaders will show up in your life
• ALSO: make a list of 5-10 ways you violate other people’s Bs. (ACoAs violating Bs) Work on correcting them. You’ll feel better about yourself!
NEXT: “What other think of me….”