IT’S UP TO ME
what I allow in, & what I don’t agree to!
Boundaries Defined (#1)
Joy2MeU: “One task in recovery is to learn to re-align our defense system with healing & Love, instead of self-destruction.”
VISUAL IMAGES of Boundaries
a. As a ZIPPER
It’s an impermeable but clear energy container completely surrounding us, with an invisible zipper down the front, from head to toe. We can see out & others can see us, but we are inside a protective shield. The zipper allows for easy access, but what’s of major importance is whether the zipper tab in on the inside or the outside!
• EXTERNAL: If the tab is on the outside everyone we come in contact can pull it up or down, as they please, so we’re at the mercy of others
• INTERNAL: If it’s on the inside, then WE decide when to open ourselves up – or not. How far down we pull the tab speaks to how much of ourselves we choose to expose, depending on the situation & our current state of mind (even with the same person or environment).
b. As our SKIN (like on our body) IT:
• breathes, so it lets toxins out and take in nutrients
• can be injured, but also repaired
• covers us completely, thus containing all our physical components
• is elastic, so can expand & contract….
PURPOSE of Boundaries
They are ‘Ego Barriers’ which are needed to guard our Inner Space, so we can:
1. Deal with the OUTSIDE WORLD positively
• by Screening: ie. To protect from danger or unpleasantness
— cut down intake of too much noise, info, activities, people
— eliminate toxic people, substances, locations – whenever possible
— protect from subtle manipulation, too many demands, confusing communications – anything that can inundate us
• by Interpreting: ie. To understand the particular meaning of something
— be able to read people & situations accurately
— not assume everyone or everything is dangerous to us
— correctly assess what someone is saying or wanting from us
— think of 2-3 different causes for events – not just negative ones
2. Manage our INTERACTIONS with the world
• by Modulating oneself: ie. To temper, soften, tone down, vary
— not over-react to ‘normal’ situations
— choose when & where to be boisterous vs silent, angry or rageful, when to fight vs back down….
— know when to say something & when not to, and how
• by Regulating oneself: ie. To adjust according to a standard in order to insure success
— behave appropriately, depending on the venue & event – based on self-respect
— pick the right time to ask questions, do business or communicate our upset, bad news…. with someone
— accomplish a goal: follow the rules of the relevant group we want to interact with – if not in conflict with our personal values
NEXT: Boundaries & ACoAs (Part 1)